Pain, Fear, and the Willingness to Feel
Dolor, miedo y la disposición a sentir
A student reflects on the relationship between pain and love, prompting a discussion about how fear transforms pain into suffering, and why genuine freedom sometimes requires moving toward what we would rather avoid.
Pain, Fear, and the Willingness to Feel
A student reflects on the relationship between pain and love, prompting a discussion about how fear transforms pain into suffering, and why genuine freedom sometimes requires moving toward what we would rather avoid.
I wanted to ask you something about what you were saying earlier. At one point you said something about pain, about preferring not to feel pain or that others feel pain. I wanted to clear that up a bit, because after what happened to me last session, I was thinking: I prefer not to feel what I would call unnecessary pain, psychological pain, stupid pain, or that others feel that. But the pain I felt last time? I highly preferred to feel that. It was actually noticing the beauty in it. I already talked about it last time, but I can say I highly prefer to be able to feel that kind of pain. In this case it was for someone else. The experience was powerful.
What you mean is simply: I prefer not to feel pain, but I would never avoid it if freedom is at stake. What I think you're saying is that you discovered a freedom, a love, a way of being and living. And it required you to feel pain; it was part of that. I'm just saying: if there isn't a trade-off, of course no pain and no fear is better. But that's not how it works. And that's why I'm constantly saying that this work usually requires us to go more into our fear and our pain.
Just out of preference, yes. I was referring to something more like: I'd rather have strawberry ice cream than green tea ice cream.
Right.
You were saying something to me the other day that was so beautiful about pain. It was something about the transmutation of feeling, that at the ultimate level it becomes almost like an offering, a willingness. It had something to do with the Christ, I think.
Pain known as love
Pain is really only difficult because of fear, including physical pain. I've gone through a lot of physical pain, and my experience is that the fear is what turns pain into something very difficult. When the fear is faced, that pain (and this may be very strange to describe) is known as love.
And that's actually why, when you were really dark at certain times in our relationship, I would try to resist it. I would try to pull you out of it, and that would just drive you nuts. It would make you more upset. So I learned to just go into it with you. That was so painful, but it was actually what we needed as a couple: not to resist feelings, because then you cut the empathy and connection. And that's what it seemed like was happening last time. It was total love, connection, empathy for that man who was killed.
Yes. That resonates.
The danger of misunderstanding
It is very easy, when putting into words what seems to be the deepest reality, for it to be miscommunicated and misunderstood. I think that's why a lot of these things have been kept secret. It is becoming more open today. For example, the conversation and teaching from Buddhism about anatta, which is "no self." I've heard through other teachers about people who ended their lives because of that teaching, because of the sense of desperation they experienced by misunderstanding and misinterpreting it. There is a reason I was perhaps more serious today: some of the things we are talking about require great care.