Between the Rock and the Hard Place
Entre la espada y la pared
A student describes feeling stuck: the old pleasures of illusion have lost their appeal, but the path of waking up feels like pure loss. The teacher names this as a common and important turning point.
Between the Rock and the Hard Place
A student describes feeling stuck: the old pleasures of illusion have lost their appeal, but the path of waking up feels like pure loss. The teacher names this as a common and important turning point.
I want to pause, but I already know it's not real, so I can't really enjoy it the same way as before.
You're right in that spot, and it's quite a breakthrough. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it has to do with seeing something quite fundamental. And now you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Yes.
The call towards more illusion seems unreal and no longer very satisfying, and the call towards waking up seems like a loss and a pain in the ass. So now what?
This is what I always go through. My suffering will start up again, and then I think, "I need the medicine," and it helps me feel better because it's truth. But then it's like, I can't have both.
You can't be asleep and awake at the same time.
I want the pleasure part of being who I am. I don't want the loss. But I also know I made the choice. I remember choosing many times to leave behind the old thing I knew and try this, to say yes to this. Sometimes I thought I knew what it was, but many times I knew I didn't know what it was. I just wanted something else. So I can't really be mad at myself, but I'm also frustrated.
The cure you didn't want
You thought you were getting some medicine that would relieve the symptoms, and actually you found the cure.
Yeah.
You don't want the cure. You just wanted to alleviate the symptoms and stay safe. And now you're thinking, "I found the cure, and I want a right to it on my own terms."
What you're describing is a very common process. It's rare in the broader sense, but common among people who find the true cure. It sounds a lot like what you're describing.
Are you saying among people who are on the path of waking up, or everybody?
Among people who are on the true path of waking up. At first, what happens is: if we actually do come across the cure (and by cure I mean a true teaching), we create ideas of what it's going to look like, and that's what motivates us. We're motivated by images and fantasies about what it's going to look like, and in a sense that keeps us going, because in the beginning it's hard.
After a while, we've gone a little too far to go back. We've crossed the point of no return. Then we realize that what we imagined it was going to give us is not real. Now, when we look at what we are letting go of, we don't want to let go, but we're still called to do it because we know it's not real. And what we were going towards, what motivated us, we also know wasn't real.
Yeah.
Keep looking
You're right in that middle point. This is actually a good thing. Just keep going. Keep going, not towards anything, but looking. Keep looking.
It is the end of everything you can imagine. And even what you think you will lose is probably also not right. You can't imagine what is going to be lost.
It's like operating blind. I'm afraid of losing my relationship, my family, my love for my dog. I picture myself being poor, being a zombie, not participating in life.
You can't imagine it. Not in a positive sense and not in a negative sense. You can't imagine the good things or the bad things.
Suffering as the way through
I feel like I'm just going to start suffering again, and that's what's going to push me out from between the rocks. That's how it's been.
That's exactly how it goes. New layers of suffering, more calls to looking more deeply.
What we're talking about now, looking at what I think I'm going to lose, that's itself a source of suffering. So I want to alleviate that, which is almost like a trick that gets me out from between the rocks.