The Burden We Place on Children
La carga que depositamos en los hijos
A parent reflects on a moment of irritation with their child during a shared activity, and the teacher responds with direct guidance about holding one's own emotional challenges without placing them on the child.
The Burden We Place on Children
A parent reflects on a moment of irritation with their child during a shared activity, and the teacher responds with direct guidance about holding one's own emotional challenges without placing them on the child.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I felt like sharing what came up for me in the meditation. It's about an interaction between me and my son, and a little bit about who I identify as. I'm the parent, the protector. I'm going to do all these great things to help my son be fully who he is. And I get really humbled by how much he's actually teaching me.
It's been such a busy year, and finally we have some holidays and get some time to ourselves. We started building a Lego set, something we haven't done in years, just because it's something we can do together. I notice he's fidgeting on his chair, and I'm comparing him to how he was when he was younger. I feel like he's less able to focus, like he can't sit still, and I'm irritated by it. I'm thinking, "Oh no, he's not in the right environment in school. It's been such a crazy year." I'm dissatisfied with how he's changed in this way, even though it could just be that moment.
We're building along, and then we finish another package and I see some extra pieces. I think, "Oh no, we missed something." I'm getting more irritated. I'm thinking, "We haven't done this in a long time and you wouldn't normally miss this." I missed it too, and I'm getting more and more irritated, thinking he can't focus anymore, that I haven't done this with him in a long time. I'm getting upset, and I'm essentially blaming him.
Blaming him for what?
For making a mistake, basically. Building Lego. And I don't know why I was so irritated. Then I realized it stemmed from my fear that I'm not doing something right. Before, I would have had the patience to say, "It's okay," because he was a lot younger. "Let's just figure it out." That was part of our learning process. Then I realized that I had turned something I wanted so badly, spending time with him, recreating some of these moments we used to share doing these activities, into this horrible thing.
I realized this and I said to him, "Why do I do this? I'm so sorry. Why do I do this to you?" And he just says to me, "That's just the way it is." And I'm like, "No, this is not the way it is. I don't want it to be like this." I have this desire for everything to be perfect. And I realized: no one's perfect. We all make mistakes. I'm so sorry. And he's just okay with it. He teaches me so much. I think I'm the parent, and yet in this moment, he's teaching me.
The parent is still the parent
That's true, but you are the parent. It's not his job to teach you. Obviously everything can be a lesson. But when you say to him, "Why am I doing this? I'm so sorry," the "I'm so sorry" part is appropriate. The "why am I doing this" is not, because that puts him in the role of having to hold your troubles. That's not his role.
Yes, this happens, and this is how life goes. But as you said in the beginning, you identify as the mother, and you are the mother, and you are the protector in a lot of ways. What we're talking about here is that this isn't essentially, truly what you are. It's a role, a role you decided to live when you became a mother. Now you're appropriately committed to being the best mother you can, and that's great. But it is still very early for him to be put in the place of holding what is difficult for you.
Sorry, holding what?
What is difficult for you. He's not the person for you to go to when something is difficult, even when it's difficult with him, especially when it's difficult with him. That's too much of a burden for him. He might get great at it, and maybe he shouldn't. Maybe it wouldn't be best for him to be good at that.
It's not my intention.
Holding your own challenges
I know. I'm being very clear and direct because I think it's important. I know it's not your intention.
It's just that in that moment I realized.
I understand that. So what I'm pointing to is for you to hold your challenges, your emotions, your worries, your insecurities, and work on them, work through them with somebody else. And for your son to be free from having to hold, in any way, something that is for you to hold.
The pull to recreate the past
You also don't know, when you said you wanted to recreate these ways in which you shared time in the past, where that is coming from. I'm not necessarily asking you to think about it and find the answer. But those are the kinds of things we need to look at more deeply and closely, because you are going to the past. Imagining and remembering the past can be useful and practical, but often when we do that, it's not. The same is true with the future.
If you're trying to recreate something from the past, it's more likely related to a need you have, as opposed to something arising from the relationship between you and your son, or his own needs. The most direct way I can point to this: if you're trying to recreate a form of relationship that you had in the past, you're not relating to the son you have today.
I'm missing those times when we had more time together. That's just my attempt.
When you notice that and recognize you're missing something, know that it is your own. Anything that moves from missing something in the past is coming from your own involvement with yourself. That is different from, "I do miss the past, and I'm aware of that, and I am holding that experience as I navigate this moment with him," or whatever is happening.
Recognizing the pattern
Student: I just wanted to say, I think bringing this here was really the right thing to do. Bringing it here instead of to your son is a really good instinct. The other thing I wanted to say is that my understanding is that your son is a really talented kid, kind of exceptional, and so it's really, really tempting to live through that. For him to do something really well or perfectly is going to be very tempting. Super talented kids don't come out of nowhere. My guess is that you also have that kind of talent and potential.