The Mirror of Parenthood
El Espejo de la Maternidad
A mother wrestling with self-criticism and the tendency to project her own unfulfilled potential onto her gifted son receives guidance on restoring balance by turning attention back to her own growth and development.
The Mirror of Parenthood
A mother wrestling with self-criticism and the tendency to project her own unfulfilled potential onto her gifted son receives guidance on restoring balance by turning attention back to her own growth and development.
So much of me is projecting onto him. It's really important that I try not to live my life through him and his journey.
Exactly. Don't live vicariously through him, and don't project onto him what is your journey, what you need for yourself.
It's like a double mirror, isn't it?
Yes. There are these rude awakenings, but what you're going through is really human nature. You, and pretty much every other parent out there, face this. When you have a unique situation involving more unusual talents (unusual meaning outside the norm), that requires even more energy and attention.
The displaced anger
Essentially, my anger is displaced onto him. I'm actually just angry at myself.
Yes, but that's pretty much any time we get angry. We are often angry at ourselves. It's a projection. Only sometimes is anger truly appropriate, compared to what we often experience. So notice your fears, your dissatisfaction, where all of that is coming from and why.
But what was just being offered is how to bring balance, how to restore a kind of equilibrium to your situation. The way to do that is to focus on your own needs, your own larger arc of life. With gentleness toward yourself. Because in focusing on your own needs and what your life is calling you to, aside from being a mother, you offer yourself the deepest form of love. And that is going to be the deepest form of love from you to anybody. Being a parent is a sacrifice in many ways, but your own growth and your own development shouldn't be sacrificed.
I feel like at this stage there's just more hope in him.
Yes, but that's the problem, because it's not about hope. Obviously, wanting him to grow up well, knowing he has a whole life ahead of him, that's a priority. But what I'm talking about is: what is your love and desire for your own life, your own development? Not hope in getting somewhere, not the hope of achieving some special thing, but rather you living fully and developing fully in all of your potential.
Giving up on yourself
I don't know if I'll ever figure that out. I'm so lost with myself.
That's exactly the work being called forward for you. To work on that as you work on being a mother. That is what's going to balance things. Because right now, in a sense, there's a bit of giving up on yourself, and so you're putting it all on your son.
All that pressure I have on myself, now I'm putting on my own son. I know that I don't want to do that, but there are moments when I realize I'm doing it.
What do you mean exactly? Putting pressure on him?
Living through him.
Yes. And so the way to address that...
That's what I want. But I'm still doing it.
Because in a sense, it's harder to face what's the hardest for you in your own life: your deepest fears, your deepest desires, your deepest longing, what your potential is calling you toward.
I thought my deepest potential was to help him rise to his own potential, and I'm failing at that too.
That's more critical thinking. You're not failing. He's doing great. It's always messy, always confusing. I'm talking about balance. You can be an even greater mother if you don't abandon your own growth, because then you also lead by example.
The collapse of certainty
I just feel like I'm failing at everything. Everything that I thought I knew about who I was, I'm not. It's all just a facade.
Okay, so then what's for real? That's great. That's a really big step. That's all of what I talk about.
And when I think I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the wrong thing.
And sometimes you're doing the right thing, maybe when you think you're doing the wrong thing.
It's just so hard. It feels like I'm not doing anything right, even though I want to do the right thing.
I know. Just notice the critical voice. There's pain, and there's probably a lot of fear. And it's okay.
I feel like my son is parenting me. I'm not parenting him.
Just focus on what you need, as a matter of balancing.
I'm turning this into a therapy session. Just doing everything wrong.
No need to apologize. I have been recommending therapy. And no, you're not doing everything wrong. Your son is great, so you're doing something very right there.
Everything is a wake-up call.
True.
Who wants to stay awake?
Just keep looking. Keep doing what you're doing.
Just moments of clarity, and then it all goes blurry again.
Yes. We've talked in the past about your interest in pursuing more studies. There's just something there in you and your life. It's about really looking at what you want for yourself.
I don't feel like I'm in the right position or right time to make those types of choices.
It's not about making a choice right now. It's about putting energy into that endeavor. And energy could just be contemplating, sitting with it as you do what you do as a mother. Creating room for you to go through what you go through, which is what you're doing here. But more room, so that you keep it as your own process, separate from your son.
It's so hard not to intertwine the two.
Yes. And it's especially hard for a mother and a son when the father isn't there a lot of the time. It's a particular combination for this kind of challenge.
Well, even if the father were there, I don't think he'd be able to point out those things about me or intercept it. I don't think it makes that much of a difference.
I'm talking about a situation that simply brings up this challenge more strongly. That's just the nature of reality for you now, and that's maybe why it's such a strong wake-up call.
Begin from now
So try this as a contemplation. You will be the best mother you can. Your son will grow up as best as he can. Put that aside for now. It's not the concern. It's not the challenge at hand. What is the challenge then? If that gets put aside, just for a time of contemplating, then the challenge is you and your life. What do you truly, deeply want? What does the full development of your potential look like?
That's the question, isn't it? Perhaps I even had my own child because it was a way of, an excuse for, abandoning that.
But look at now. Always begin from now. Potential is now. So that balances the challenge, right? So that you don't displace it by putting it into the challenge of being a mother and projecting it onto your son.
The more I settle into being his mother, the more I see he's so capable of doing things for himself that I don't need to do. He's perfectly capable. I've been trying to focus more on myself. It's a slow process.
It will be a lot of looking at first, seeing, contemplating what you're seeing now. Keep looking and wonder: what is life calling you toward? In other words, if your son and you as a mother are taken care of (and you are doing that), but if that is put aside for a moment...
That's the big question.
And look at your insecurities there. Look at your fears, your pains, your frustrations. And also look at inspiration, excitement, opportunity. Where is it? And if there is none anywhere, just keep looking.
Trusting what is real
I don't trust my interpretations of those things anymore. Am I doing something to uphold my image of myself, or is it something I truly want? I can't tell the difference anymore.
That's good. That's good because you're starting to question what wasn't very real. You're now in a state of confusion, and that's the only place from where we can look more deeply, where something new and fresh and more real can appear. You're going to recognize it by noticing where there is a sense of expansion and vitality and energy, even if it bubbles up for three seconds. When it's based on this conditioning, these images of the past, then it's dry, lacking energy, maybe a little depressive.
How do you know your true calling?
Where there is vitality, energy, expansiveness. If there is none, it's not true. And if you say, "Well, there's no energy," then how is it that you're breathing? What happens is we get blocked. There's pain, frustration, fears, and then parenthood can be a big distraction. It's a matter of balance, because it is a priority to be a mother. But if in that process there is an abandoning of our own development, then we are a suboptimal parent, because part of being a parent is leading by example: how to develop and be our most developed self possible.
It becomes an even more complicated mirror house to avoid my discomforts.
Yes. Discomforts, your fears, your insecurities, your pains, your frustrations.
Going into it just makes it even more complicated to find those moments of vitality and expansion that are truly mine.
Maybe, maybe not. It's not that difficult. It's just a really honest, open wondering: what do I truly want? Just assume that you'll be the best mother you can, that your son will develop in the best way he can. Put that aside while you contemplate: what do you truly want? You're not just a mother. You were something, someone, before.
Thank you. I always appreciate the feedback.
I admire your courage. Thank you for sharing. You're doing great. You're doing very unusual work. Very few people do what you're doing.
Thank you for holding the space for this.
My pleasure.