The Game of Hide and Seek
El juego del escondite
A student describes a recurring experience of intense discomfort and a paradoxical impulse to flee, and the teacher helps her trace it to something deeper: a mechanism that simultaneously longs to be seen and fears being seen.
The Game of Hide and Seek
A student describes a recurring experience of intense discomfort and a paradoxical impulse to flee, and the teacher helps her trace it to something deeper: a mechanism that simultaneously longs to be seen and fears being seen.
It's as if I'm afraid of being here. I don't know what it is exactly.
You need to first have the illusion of knowing what this is in order to sell yourself, through the mind, the promise of something else that is better. And part of the illusion you are still operating in is that what you are experiencing, the part that is difficult and scary, is dependent on me. That it is my energy. Whereas in fact, it is in you.
The projection
There is a projection there, a false, illusory understanding that I am the carrier of that which is upsetting you. And so the solution becomes the promise: "I just need to not be here. Go away. Get out of the picture."
The funny thing is, I don't think I'm seeking something else. But the last two times I have sat here, there has been this terrifying discomfort. Last time was worse, but today it was more like a sense of "I shouldn't be here." Like, "Go." And I think, okay, obviously I'm not going to go, but that's the inner dialogue.
Discerning the irrational
Let me pause you there. There is a discernment required. You and I can both see that there is a certain irrationality in this. In another situation, that impulse might be very appropriate, where there is something genuinely threatening that you should walk away from or run from. So the key is that discernment. There is a trust in this relationship where, for you to feel you have to run away or get out of the call, it has a certain noise of irrationality. Something deeper must be happening.
Yes. I mean, that's why I don't go. I cannot fully name it, but it really upsets me. It is like a friction. For a moment I project it onto you, and then I put it back on me, and then I project it onto you again, and then I put it back on me. When I put it on me, that is the terrifying part. It has to do with seeing something. With the eyes I have. You looking at me, or no longer you looking at me. Something I cannot fully describe or name, but it really upsets me.
What is looking?
You are looking at me.
Clarify that. Is it really me?
What doesn't want to be seen
It's as if something is looking at me. For the longest time I have wanted to be looked at. And I am terrified of saying, "Don't look at me. Don't look at me."
What doesn't want to be seen?
I have no clue.
Just ask yourself. Don't come to an answer. Feel into it. There are no two seers. There are no two seers.
It's not a thing. It's like a mechanism, like an action. It's like the hide-and-seek game.
What are you hiding?
The hiding itself. But I like to hide.
Why? And this isn't for you to see and find right now, but it is the direction for you to inquire.
The paradox of hide and seek
I really have no words. It is this paradox of hide and seek. Look, but don't look. Find, but don't find. It just feels so uncomfortable. When I project it onto you, it's "Don't look at me," but also "Do look at me," but "Don't look at me." It is just so uncomfortable. It is not a thing. It is the game itself, the fluctuation. My body reacts with emotion. I'm angry. Everything comes up. I'm angry at you. It's like, "Don't look." It's crazy.
No, it is not crazy. The discernment is to notice that something is fishy. There is an illusion that doesn't want to end. I suggest you simply contemplate that and take it with you. Keep looking at what doesn't want to be seen.