The Layers That Surface
Las capas que salen a la superficie
A student describes recurring resistance and fear that arise during group practice, and the teacher begins to explore what lies beneath the surface of that experience.
The Layers That Surface
A student describes recurring resistance and fear that arise during group practice, and the teacher begins to explore what lies beneath the surface of that experience.
It's interesting when you said that if something uncomfortable moves, because again I sat here and I felt this. The words that come are: "I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here." This resistance, and I notice it and think, "Here we go again."
My mind is creating a map of it, and the map says something like, "I'm scared of your energy right now."
It is interesting because it happened last time as well, and then again today. The way you wrapped up the meditation was really beautiful. I've been looking at what you call this "unshakable satisfaction." When I landed in Bogotá, what I started looking at was whether I can describe my own experience that way. I love that you always bring it up, because it's like saying, "Don't settle for anything less than that."
But what I started noticing is how little bothered I am by things that before used to be a really big deal. Like having a fever at night, looking at the sensations of the body, and finding, "Oh, fever. Very silent in here." The question comes: am I upset? Am I resistant? I start checking myself, and I just don't find my usual layers of resistance or contraction.
Still, I wouldn't describe my experience as unshakable satisfaction, because I sat here and I was not satisfied. I was like, "I don't want to be here."
Why don't you go into more of the specifics of that, what happened here, because that's the door.
The texture of fear
It's very unclear to me, to be honest. The only word that comes is, again, fear. We've talked about how hard it is for me to really identify fear, but the way I relate to it right now is: I'm afraid of your energy.
Okay, now let's go slowly and step by step. What does my energy feel like? I'm using the same label you're using, so describe what that is.
I really can't quite grasp it. Right now I'm upset and sad. I feel it in my chest.
What belongs to whom
What you're referring to as my energy is not separate from me, but it's you. It's something in you, and something in this relationship, in this group, in this space. All of that might make it come to the surface. But what I was speaking of in the meditation is actually two things. One is the promise of something else, something "not here," which only the mind can concoct.