The Fear Hidden Inside What You Want Most
El miedo oculto dentro de lo que más deseas
A student describes how reconnecting with music revealed a ceiling in self-inquiry, and the teacher explores why we are most afraid of the things we want most deeply.
The Fear Hidden Inside What You Want Most
A student describes how reconnecting with music revealed a ceiling in self-inquiry, and the teacher explores why we are most afraid of the things we want most deeply.
I'm fascinated lately with something I'm starting to see. In the self-inquiry meditation process, there seems to be a ceiling you reach. And from what I understand you to say, you can only go beyond that ceiling by following what you really want. With all this movement I've been having of going more heavily into my music, I finish so much more vitalized, with so much more energy during the day. It amazes me. At first I had doubts: how does this work? And it amazes me how you can go such a long time without realizing what you want to do, even if you're doing years of inner work and self-inquiry. You can neglect something you're really passionate about and tell yourself you're not. Is it just not wanting to face the fear it brings up?
The most important thing is to dance. To celebrate.
I am. And yes, that's huge.
The thing we fear most
As for the "why," I can only speak generally. The simplest way to say it is: we are most afraid of what we want the most.
That makes sense.
You're talking about music, but you could define it even more broadly as self-realization. Can you be yourself? Can you be realized and not do what you love, not live what you want? Not really. Can you do what you love without knowing what you love? Not really. So in a sense, it has two sides.
Usually, because we are in self-denial, we block that realization on one side or the other. We could be doing what we love, but we're so confused about what we are that we live contracted, not really knowing what we are. Even though we might be doing what we love, it's happening in a very contracted way, without much deep vitality. On the other hand, we could not be doing what we love, and then there's just not enough energy in a different sense.
Spiritual bypass
For example, we could love the process of spirituality and self-inquiry. It is a beautiful thing. We could have a lot of passion for meditation practices and put a lot of energy there, but if we are not putting energy into what we want to do in life, then what is all that practice in service to? It becomes a form of what's been called spiritual bypass, rooted in fear and self-denial.
I guess it's pretty humbling to realize I've been, for years in a sense, not noticing either the fear or a kind of vicious circle. Because you don't notice, you keep not doing it, and that reinforces a belief.
That's why it's so important, in this meditation, to speak to the heart. What is it that we love? We might be so out of touch that we can still find something: a little bit of this here, a little bit of that there. But if you dig into it, if you connect to it, if you wake that up, it starts to become a force of nature. A force of nature, versus the force of my own mind, my own personality.
Thanks for helping me see that.
Inner integrity
Ultimately, it's about being afraid of what we are and what we want. We can't fully accept what we are if we can't accept what we want, and vice versa.
The tricky thing is that we can tell ourselves so many stories and believe them. "I don't want this," when I do. "I do want this," when I don't. Rationalizing is so powerful. "This is boring. I'm tired of it. I have no interest anymore." And what's actually happening is: I'm terrified, but I'm not aware of the fear. Or vice versa: "This is what I want, I'm going for it, pushing super hard," and it's just coming from denial. It's something you don't actually want. It's an egoic pursuit.
I call that inner integrity: to know what is really happening. It's quite hard. What do I actually feel? What do I actually want?
For a while, when I was younger, I was pretty confused. A teacher I had used to lean toward warning people not to claim to know what they want too quickly, because people tend to fall into ideas and put themselves into a box. And maybe that put me at one extreme, where I felt it was almost impossible to really know. Most people want many things. I'm not sure if I'm being clear.
Every teaching is someone's avoidance
I understand. I would just say: celebrate. All teachings and words are problematic, because one person might need to go left, and the other might need to go right, in the same situation. If a teaching tells one person to go right, the next person can hear it and it becomes a perfect avoidance mechanism. That's why teachings are constantly contradicting themselves.
That makes sense. I think in that case it was mostly directed at young people coming out of high school who are supposed to know what they're going to do for the rest of their lives. Thanks.
You're very welcome.
I'm having a lot of sensation today. The previous conversation helped me realize that it has to do with fear, and in a good way. I had an interview this morning for something I really, really want. So I recognize now that this is fear. I'm happy about it, because I wasn't knowing what I wanted for a long time. It seems so ironic that it's only by looking at the fear you're trying to run away from that you actually find out what you want.
That's beautiful. I hope you get it.
Thank you.
Surfing the alignment
Knowing that is huge. Then the way it manifests requires you to keep knocking on different paths.
Paths within me or outside?
Both, really. There is always this attunement and refining: how we listen, how we move, how we flow. A beautiful metaphor for me is surfing. There's an interaction with reality that is a constant refinement and attunement. The more we are deeply aligned with the deepest want, the more there is a flow, and life responds appropriately. It might mean falling flat on your face, so there's no guarantee of everything being rosy and pleasant. But at a deeper level, it is.
I really hope that works out. And if it's not this opportunity, it will come in some form.
It feels like an uncovering of something I hadn't thought of but that was quite obvious. A direction.
If you feel like sharing what it is, I'm curious, but no pressure.
It's a very short role, very part-time, a contract until October. It's an assistant producer role on an arts project in a region near where I live, with a really good arts company that does site-specific theatre. They don't have one fixed venue, and they have a great ethos that is very aligned with my own practice. Seeing myself outside of just my own art practice, as contributing more to the whole picture, was a bit of a revelation. Things I'm good at and things I love doing turned out to be quite aligned.
Beautiful. It sounds amazing.