The Deeper Want
El deseo más profundo
A student explores the desire to stop resisting life, and the teacher draws a distinction between superficial desires (wanting something to end) and deeper, creative wants, then discusses how self-inquiry and pursuing what we truly want work together as complementary paths.
The Deeper Want
A student explores the desire to stop resisting life, and the teacher draws a distinction between superficial desires (wanting something to end) and deeper, creative wants, then discusses how self-inquiry and pursuing what we truly want work together as complementary paths.
What I deeply want is to stop resisting life. This is so clear. It's beautiful, and the resistance just keeps coming up all the time about things that really don't matter. It feels like a reflex. I'm so aware of the fact that it's untrue.
Let's pause there. You said what you deeply want is to stop resisting. Did I understand you?
Well, yes. I mean, to let life unfold in whatever way it unfolds. To stop wanting something else. I don't know if that's the same thing, but...
What if life is you? It's not another, third entity.
Then the resistance is completely part of it.
What would you do if the resistance ended?
Yes, but I'm wondering: you're talking about the ending of resistance, right? And what I'm wondering is, what would you do if the resistance ended?
Nothing. I don't know. Not "live life" so much as "be life." The resistance feels like pulling a handbrake all the time while you're driving anyway.
That's why I'm saying I would like the resistance to stop, but it's not so much about the resistance itself. It's more that the resistance is an indication of something not wanting what is there. And this is so clear. That something is also life, and also me. But when the resistance comes, it's very often linked to this sense of separation: "I need to manage something." It's that army taking care of something that doesn't exist, as you were saying.
So maybe I'm just saying I would like to stop resisting because I feel like it all boils down to this one thing.
And what I'm not understanding is when you say "go for what you want," when you were saying "follow what you deeply want," the deepest desire is, of course, to just stop thinking, stop believing in Santa Claus, who I know is not real, but it's still somehow happening.
Wanting a negative vs. wanting something creative
I don't believe that's the deepest desire in you. You're wanting something that is just a vehicle to get to something else. There's an imagination in you of something that will happen, or that you will experience, when the resistance stops. You're desiring the end of the resistance, and I'm inviting you to listen more deeply, because that, to me, isn't the deep, singular thing I'm talking about.
So you're saying that listening to that desire, the one that feels that maybe if something stopped, something else would be better, is listening to a superficial desire?
Yes. When you answer the question of what you truly want with "I want the resistance to stop," you're desiring a negative. You're desiring an absence. That's not a true want. The true want is creative, is expansive. That's why I asked you what would happen if the resistance stopped. It's pointing to what the positive is. Maybe you would feel something like, "I would go and travel the world," or something else entirely. I don't want to put ideas in your head.
No, but I understand. It's very helpful that you explain, because I wasn't grasping what the question was.
At this level, it's worldly things. It's a kind of work, a kind of service, a kind of creative pursuit. It's family, love, relationship, romance, travel, experiences. That's what life wants as a human being: the desires of human beings. And if that is, in a sense, blocked or a little dormant or not as deeply free, then there's a lot of potential for expansion, for abundance, for freeing up at this level.
When you asked me the question in the beginning, I said there are two things. I'm talking about one of them, which has to do ultimately with going towards what we want in spite of the risk of pain. The deeper we listen, the deeper the risk of pain.
I got it now.
The complementary role of self-inquiry
And just to address the other side: it has to do with what you've been bringing up as well, which is self-inquiry. It has to do with looking at that which resists. But for you, I'm not feeling to focus on that, because I think you've focused enough. What happens is that it's a dance. We come to a kind of ceiling of development, and sometimes it's going to be opened up by self-inquiry: looking at thoughts and the resistance and that which resists, and seeing more deeply that it isn't real. And sometimes the ceiling of that freedom will be opened up by cutting that, and in practice listening more deeply to what we want, and experimenting in life. These work together. Sometimes we're stuck because we've been trying one approach and we've come so far but can't go further, so we need to do something more contemplative.
Just to be sure about the first part: if I take the surfing metaphor you used earlier, you've been surfing for years at a beach with very specific waves. You love it, you feel like you're flowing. Then you come to another beach with much stronger waves and you feel super strong resistance. But you still want to surf, so you just go out there and say, "It's going to be a mess, but it doesn't matter, because I really want to surf on that other beach," and whatever experience comes, comes. Is that right?
Exactly. And to extend the metaphor: what happens is that we get better at surfing, the waves get bigger, and it gets more fun, but also more painful when we fall.
But it's okay because it's a lot of fun anyway. Very clear. Thank you so much.
Thoughts are just thoughts
But the thing about different thoughts, regardless of whether they come from truth or from the ego: they don't turn into action, they don't become the driver of what's happening. Right?
All thoughts are just thoughts. There's no answer.
So what's happening is not really a decision that I make. It's just life happening. Whatever I'm doing, I can't really make a decision to control the way life happens.
Yes and no. If you observe thoughts more deeply, life will happen more deeply.
That's really hard to understand. "Observe more deeply." This is what I've been doing. I try to stay simple with the sensations in the body and stay in the place where it's not what the mind says. It's not avoidance; I'm not trying to avoid the story in my head. I'm trying to stay focused in my body, or if I'm driving, fully focused on driving. And if I'm not doing things, I stay with sensation rather than being taken away into the mind running with a story.
I would say don't do it while you're driving. Focus on the driving. But other than that, yes. However, what I hear is that you're trying to push away thoughts in order to focus on sensation, and that's not going to work.
I know. It's been a while and it's getting intense. I try to leave thoughts alone, but it doesn't work. I try to watch them, but then I just keep going into the story.
A change without change
Going into the story is okay. The difference is to know you're looking at a story, versus thinking it's reality when that is happening.
When I'm fully taken by a thought, it's very uncomfortable. Very quickly the body reacts and resists. But if I'm not taken by the thought, the thought just runs by itself. It goes by itself and doesn't produce any reaction.
Keep doing that switch. Thoughts are happening and I'm completely immersed in them as if they were reality. Then nothing changes, nothing happens, but suddenly, instantaneously, I'm looking at thoughts. Nothing changes. This is a change without change. Suddenly, in an instant, that which used to be reality is now seen to be thought. I don't need thought to stop. I don't need to control it or push it away. Just notice that it's thought and look at it as if you're watching television. It's a movie. Paying attention to sensation helps this switch happen more often. Just keep doing that. That is exactly listening more deeply.
I got it. That's really clear. Thank you so much.
You can't control anxiety
So in a way, not letting yourself feel anxious means you won't be a match for the pattern, and then it's more likely to shift quicker.
Well, you can't not let yourself be anxious. If you're anxious, you're anxious. If you're not, you're not. Don't try to control your emotional state. But notice: if your anxiety is activated, what's happening? What are you needing? Where does that need get you attached?
I need to help, I suppose. What you said about being responsible.
Yes, and that's where it gets deeper and more subtle: a more intricate understanding of your emotional and mental structures. Then the creativity of what you truly, deeply want is informed by that. For example: "I do actually want to play with this and see how we could creatively change the dynamic of this relationship," or how you can disengage in a more creative way. For example, start dancing and walk away.
Breaking the pattern
I'll give you an example. With my mother, there was a point in our relationship, and in my life, where there was always something that was just very difficult for me. Then I learned to have a really strong boundary of saying, really intensely, "no" to something. I learned to bring anger to that as well, when it was necessary. Just a really strong "no."
That no longer happens. What happens is that when that dynamic arises again, it almost ends up being funny, because something has shifted for me. What it used to bring up was too difficult, and I needed to stop it. But now it doesn't bring that up. When she goes to that place, I can talk to her in a way where it ends up being funny. It's not a big problem anymore. Sometimes I have to be a little emphatic, like, "We're not going there." But it's no longer this need for an intense boundary.
Our mother says, "Do this, do that," and at some point you have to say, "No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to listen to you anymore. Don't tell me that." And maybe that's necessary. Then at some point the response becomes, "Oh, here you are telling me what to do again."
I'm getting confirmation of my conditioned worldview.
Yes, and that's the intellectually correct answer. What I'm referring to is something different: in the transaction, in the moment, you can feel into and see, "Oh, this feels this way. It gives me a little boost of pleasure or security or safety." It's going to be an energetic quality. That's the thing that will be the addiction, the thing that will then be difficult to wean yourself off from.
That's why I was giving the example of starting to dance. As a ridiculous example, you're breaking with an energetic that is shifting the worldview. Now it's like, what is this conversation, suddenly, if one of them is dancing? It just comes out of nowhere, and you can no longer be engaged in that worldview.
Weaning off the addiction
I think right now I'm in the process of weaning myself off and teetering between the security, the attention, the acceptance, the things I get from it. There's a part of me that's scared of what will happen if I really look at that as an addiction and wean myself off and come more into truth and integrity.
At the same time, I'm getting a taste for what happens when you actually disrupt the pattern, when you approach life and relationship with more wholeness. I think that's actually a gift and inspiring to other people. Ultimately, some people won't want to be around you, as you said, but I think a lot of people actually long to have the conversation disrupted by a silly dance. You're setting an example and permitting people to be themselves. They don't want the addiction any more than I do.
Some people will just not want it. More often than not, even if at first they say, "Yes, I want this," very few can follow through. It's just how it is. And it's not a fixed reality. Hopefully more and more people want a deeper freedom. I think that's happening. But it's not everybody. It's not everybody who wants it and can live what it implies.
It's challenging.
It's very worth it, but it's definitely challenging, because the addiction goes deep. The good thing is that we get rewarded at every turn: we free ourselves from an attachment or addiction, and we get a very deep, real sense of expansion and release. It makes it so worth it. Then we come to a deeper layer, and so there's that back and forth. That's the spiral.
The spiral
A spiral is a metaphor for a process that goes deeper and deeper, but it's going in circles. It goes over the same things over and over again, just deeper and deeper. So on one level, it doesn't go anywhere. It's always this same thing. But it's going deeper.
Something can happen, which is impossible to describe, where in a deep sense the addiction stops. And it's experienced as: this moment (which is not a moment; it's what is, what always is) is better than anything I can imagine. And it's like that all the time, pretty much consistently.
Compare that to how it used to be, which is: this moment is difficult, and it's manageable and okay some of the time, and very rarely it's great. From that, to: I cannot remember a moment where I felt that way in the last several years.
All the mechanisms of addiction, which are still active in the body and mind, don't get very ignited, because they're all in the service of the belief that "right here, right now, something's missing." And when that experience is no longer real, when that's no longer true, yes, there are moments where something's painful. But literally, in the last year there have been perhaps two moments where there was an activation of that sense of "this shouldn't be how it is." It was very mild. Two moments in a year.
What I'm describing is just to say there is a possibility that is very real. And at the same time, that spiral process keeps going. There's a deeper and deeper freeing up, creating, exploring, and growing.
Nothing is missing
These two sides work together. We can talk about that spiral process: how to relate more deeply, how to do all of that work. And then there's the other side, which is simply pointing directly, right now, to that sense of something missing. There is a deep misunderstanding that creates that sense. There is a deep, false perception that something is missing: that something about what is, is wrong; that something shouldn't be there, or something is absent. If you can get present enough to really see that as a fabrication, it opens you up to the present moment.
It works together. It's complementary. The more you see that, then when you're engaged in a relationship where there's that dynamic, nothing's missing, no matter what you do, and what's happening isn't wrong in any way. Then you're free to relate to it in whatever way feels more deeply like what you want. That's where it becomes less obscured, because the dynamic is actually there to support a common worldview that we recreate in relationship: the worldview that something's missing or something's wrong, and that this way of engaging is going to help.
For example: "I know what's missing for you. I'm going to give it to you. You know what's missing for me. You're going to give it to me." Or: "You're going to take it from me because you know that if I give to you, then what is missing in me is satisfied." It's constantly recreating that sense. But if nothing's missing, that whole dynamic is seen through. It's hard to keep it up, hard to activate.
When we see more deeply, through self-inquiry, the truth of what is (which you can state as: what is, is better than anything you can imagine), then you can go to that relationship and be unattached.
Taking the risk
But it could also go the other way. You can be in that dynamic and try something different, take a risk, where it feels scary, feels dangerous, feels like you're going toward the thing you've been trying to control so that you don't have that terrible thing happen. Do something different that breaks the dynamic, that challenges it. Then you can come out on the other side and realize: the thing that would have been horrible, happened, and it's totally fine. Nothing's really where you thought something was going to be missing. What you thought should not have happened, because it would have been terrible, happens, and nothing was really wrong. Nothing broke.
And it happens the other way around, too. We can work very hard to get what we think we want, and we get it, and nothing's solved. I think that's a big reason why we don't pursue what we deeply want. We procrastinate in the directions we want because if we get it, we'll see it's not really as satisfying.
In a sense, we're going for the superficial desire. Because the exercise of going after what you want is, on some level, a mechanism to get you to see what's in the way.
First of all, it is living more deeply and truly. Second, it is facing your fears and pains. And then seeing that even if you get everything you want, something isn't resolved at that level. It can't be resolved there. It can be resolved in this other way.
In the way of recognizing that there's nothing holding you back from experiencing the present moment.
Yes. You could call it self-realization.