The Wall of Noise
El Muro de Ruido
A question about feeling trapped by people who over-talk, and how to respond creatively rather than staying stuck in passive discomfort.
The Wall of Noise
A question about feeling trapped by people who over-talk, and how to respond creatively rather than staying stuck in passive discomfort.
I'm curious about what was just said about the neighbor, because I think there's a similar thing for me. When someone over-talks, it feels like you're being penned in by the talking. There's a wall of noise. It's definitely a pattern for me where I just want them to stop. So should I go into the resistance of that, into the feeling of being penned in?
No. More likely you need to speak up, or leave, or be more active in the conversation.
I feel like I do those things, but maybe too subtly, too politely. I start walking away and then there's more chat.
Start walking away as a new behavior, yes.
It's just too polite.
Beyond stay or leave
We often ignore what I'm calling this deep desire. It might be experienced as something we know as discomfort. I might be feeling "I don't want to be in this conversation," and yet I stay there, against what I deeply want.
But this is where it gets very creative. There aren't only two options: stay or leave. That's the limited thinking. You could start dancing. You could start singing. You could talk about the birds. You could do a million different things, not just stay or leave, not just listen passively or walk away, not just be rude or polite.
But it feels like the other person is energetically saying, "Don't leave me." There's a personality that goes, "If I just keep talking to you, you can't move."
A hundred percent true. They are doing that. It's a form of manipulation. It's very normal. It's not a bad thing in a sense. It's just very normal. Energetically, there's an emotional attachment, and their whole energy, with their attention, with their gaze, with the conversation, is wanting you to be there in a certain way and respond to them in a certain way.
What I'm saying is that you don't necessarily have to completely cut off and walk away. That might be the right option, but another could be to break that energetic. For example, start dancing. I'm using that as a ridiculous example, but you can participate in that dynamic in a way that is creatively undoing it. Though often you can't, and you do just walk away.
It all really depends. If you're with a client and it's a therapy session, you probably shouldn't just walk away. But you could roll your chair back. You could play with it.
Co-creating the pattern
Also, notice that if this is happening to you a lot, there's an energetic you're participating in. You're co-creating it.
It's like my quietness attracts it.
And so you can find ways to play with it, to change it, if you're still wanting to engage. But maybe you don't, and it's more appropriate to disengage.
It's like I feel their anxiety, and then I feel anxious as well.
Exactly. Then you own that. In a sense, you probably feel somewhat responsible for it: for doing something, for helping, for supporting, for resolving or managing it. But if it's their anxiety, it's not your problem. Then if it activates your anxiety, now it's a match, and you get stuck.