The Desire That Comes From Resistance and the Desire That Comes From Life
El deseo que viene de la resistencia y el deseo que viene de la vida
A question about the recurring sense that life isn't quite what it could be, and whether the desire for something more is a creative force or a reaction against what is.
The Desire That Comes From Resistance and the Desire That Comes From Life
A question about the recurring sense that life isn't quite what it could be, and whether the desire for something more is a creative force or a reaction against what is.
I've been thinking about a kind of psychological pain: the sense that life isn't exactly what you want it to be, or what you'd hoped, even if it's pretty good. There's a desire for something else, something bigger. Even as I say that, I'm pretty satisfied with my life. But I occasionally experience a desire to live more vibrantly, more fully, existentially on fire. And I know that can very much be an illusion, that what you imagine some alternate life might be like is fictitious, and any life you can imagine would have its own difficulties.
You have to be careful here, because the devil's in the details. We're using language, and first, it's impossible to communicate fully in language. Then once something is communicated, it's impossible to interpret exactly what is trying to be conveyed, precisely because it's impossible to express. That's where we can start splitting hairs around different kinds of desire.
There's an aspect of what you're describing that is very positive. The big difference is this: there could be a desire for more life, abundance, vitality, and that's healthy. But the problem arises when what I'm desiring is a reaction to what is now.
The two kinds of desire
If where I am now, there's a deep okayness with it, and it has to be real (the problem is we can tell ourselves we're deeply okay with something when we're not really), then it's more likely that what I'm desiring is coming from a deep creativity. That deep creativity will involve imagining what isn't yet. That's creation. The imagination of thought in service of creating is a beautiful thing, very worthwhile, and should be pursued.
This is what I'm pointing at when I sometimes ask: what does life, as you or through you, desire? I'm trying to call to something that's not the desire coming from limited thinking. What does the universe, life as you, desire to live through you?
This is playing with language to invoke and inspire a connection to an expansive creative drive. That drive is coming from an important place, and it moves through every being, because it is life. If you're alive, this is moving through you. You're either pushing against it or going with it, to some degree, and at some point more one than the other.
Resistance disguised as wanting more
The problem I'm describing, which is very common, is that we often have a deep resistance to what is now. We experience that resistance in very different ways. And from there, we imagine something better, precisely because it's not what is now. There's a "no" to what is. That's the problem. Contrast this with a "yes" to what is, and from that yes, an openness to create something different: bigger, simpler, whatever the calling, whatever the movement. It could be traveling, work, a hobby, a relationship, a family. The possibilities are infinite.
But it could also be that the family becomes the imagined solution to what's missing now, because now is the problem and I'm resisting it. Then you have the family and the same problem is still there. It hasn't resolved anything. That doesn't mean having a family was a mistake. It means there's something deeper you haven't addressed: the fundamental not-okayness with what is, the "no" to what is. You have to see how deep that goes.
And is what you're saying that the "no" to what is probably originated somewhere in the past and isn't necessarily specific to any one thing? That it can shapeshift depending on your life circumstances?
Yes. It's a total shapeshifter, and it's an addiction. The mind has become trained to find where the problem is, to create it in a sense, and then if there's no evidence to sustain that, to find another one. It's self-convincing, fabricating something that's not okay, something that's missing. Then we have preferences, different ways in which we're attached to that dynamic.
The psychological roots
This started very young. At one level, it's a way in which we control what we're feeling at a deeper level. This is more of a psychological dimension. There's also a level where this is happening spiritually. By distinguishing psychological and spiritual, I'm talking about different depths.
At the psychological level, this is what psychology is all about: repression. We've gone through difficult, scary experiences as children. There is trauma. By trauma I simply mean an experience that is too much for us to fully feel. When it's too much, we start to fight with the experience. We push away and control the emotional and feeling aspect of it because the mind gets overwhelmed. This happened a lot as children, because a child's mind doesn't have the strength to process everything. It's natural.
The way we do that is through beliefs about what we are and the creation of a narrative, a character. There's an aspect of that which is healthy and necessary, but there's also an aspect that is a coping mechanism. What helped us survive then becomes a crutch.
Feeling what was unfelt
So really addressing the sense of "my life's not quite right, I want something else" has to do with going back and revisiting those periods, and feeling what was unfelt.
I'll use my own words here, though I don't want you to take my description as a prescription for how it should be experienced. For me, my life was really not okay. Something was really missing. Until it started to be beautiful, even with everything that was missing and everything that was wrong. It was just beautiful. There's a love there. And that didn't take away the desires for different experiences, for creativity with life.
The difference would be: "My life is really not okay; I need to change it, and here are my strategies, my best attempts," versus "There is this beautiful awe and love with this life, and I feel drawn to living in these directions."
Alignment with something deeper
What happened for me, and I think it's happened to almost everyone who has had these deeper shifts, is that you go into a certain kind of alignment. When what you're moving with is the deeper, universal life-desire, it's coming from something beyond the body-mind. In a sense, it's more in touch with and aligned with the universe: something freer, deeper, and actually more vital. Versus something that comes only from the limited mind, in reaction to the universe, in an attempt to control and avoid something that's only happening internally. When you're in that reactive mode, there's going to be a lot of friction.
I'm describing this as somewhat black and white, but usually it's a progressive opening: opening, listening more deeply, trusting more, and feeling more well-being and love. For some, that shift is very dramatic.
So what advice do you have in terms of methodology?
Two things. First, whenever you have this sense that your life is not right, that something's missing, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You could go into a dichotomy where you tell yourself, "No, my life is okay, I don't need to do anything," and then you amputate the vital force of creativity. On the other hand, look at how your life may be more beautiful than you can imagine. And it's not your life. That's where it becomes life, existence, the miracle of this. And that is in complete harmony with creativity, meaning infinite possibilities.
Going deeper into what you truly want
The other point is that it really matters to go deeper and deeper into what we truly want. It could be really simple. That's where the work is. There's an inner integrity around how we fool ourselves. Maybe I don't want that much, because it's scary: I might fail, it might not work out, it might bring pain. Or we might be pursuing something huge that's really not the deepest thing. There could be a big ambition, but it's a distraction.
So, not necessarily that moving in the direction of what you feel you want is about the destination. It's the journey.
Exactly.
But you're saying the journey is very important, and that you interrogate what happens along that journey.
Yes. Don't amputate the process that is very healthy and vital in life. Imagine the thing you want the most, and it might not be a thing. What is it that you want the most? It will feel expansive. It will feel beautiful. And it might feel scary if you contemplate moving towards it. Often, if it's scary, it's touching on something real.
This works at many levels. It works for what do I want right now, in the next five minutes. What do I want tomorrow, over the weekend. And then there's the bigger question of life: why am I here?