The Emptiness You Won't Face
El Vacío Que No Quieres Enfrentar
A series of reflections on the nature of thought, the difference between useful and compulsive thinking, and the fear that arises when one encounters the empty, silent ground of experience.
The Emptiness You Won't Face
A series of reflections on the nature of thought, the difference between useful and compulsive thinking, and the fear that arises when one encounters the empty, silent ground of experience.
I had a clear seeing of a thought bubbling up that said, "This is boring." I could also clearly see that after the thought appeared, there was something like a movement that could follow the thought. But I kept my attention on these movements and allowed myself to just see them through. This is a kind of mental activity, and I feel like it is very different from when I do a computation. When I spend half an hour calculating and working out data, that is also mental activity, and yet it is totally peaceful. These different types of mental activity are becoming interesting to me, especially because I am trying to avoid the trap of being dissociated from the mind. We still use the mind; it is very useful. But the other types of thoughts, like "this is boring," are commentary thoughts, and they are losing their power to capture attention. Attention doesn't fall so easily into those kinds of thoughts anymore.
In the seeing, though, I couldn't identify the actual thing that was blocked, or what chose a particular thought. What is it that chooses to go toward a thought? I couldn't see it.
That is a really good question, and I would like to not answer it. I want to comment on what you are describing, but I would like to leave the question of what chooses the thought for you to contemplate. What is happening in the experience when that occurs? I think it is a really important question.
I did see some clue. First a thought appears, and then it feels like the seeing itself is tainted, as if part of the seeing is contaminated by something else. The seeing of this door, for example, is not pure seeing. There might be some sort of agenda behind or within the seeing that controls the thought.
Yes. When you discover what chooses the thought, it will be quite a revelation. So just keep looking. Keep that curiosity alive.
Commentary thoughts vs. useful thinking
What you were saying earlier is really good. You notice, for example, the thought "this is boring," and you notice the experience of it being compelling. What does it matter that there is a comment about something being boring, or whatever the comment is? You are noticing how thought can be compelling, and also the difference between useful thinking and not useful thinking. When you are engaged in practical, useful thought, it can be quite pleasant and peaceful. That is really good to recognize.
The same discovery can happen when you are not needing to use thought. Thought can just be there, coming and going, ready to be useful if needed. When that is happening, it can get really quiet once we realize thought is not needed right now.
Why thought compels us
When you notice thought coming up and being compelling even though you don't need it, recognize that we are using the mind for something. If we are sitting quietly and we get pulled into thought, we are using the mind for a reason. It is not the best use.
You already know that difference. So what I am suggesting is: look at what happens when thought is compelling in a moment when you are just sitting, meditating, not needing thought. What is the pull? It is always going to be the same thing. Thought gives a sense of knowing, a sense of safety or security, and it allows you to manage part of the experience that is happening. There is something in reality, in what you could call presence, that is uncertain. It could be a bit scary. There is expansiveness, openness, vulnerability, and we are often uncomfortable with that.
When I say "we," I am referring to human beings. It takes time for us to learn to be with that. In a sense, we come to recognize that it is okay, that this thing here now that feels almost dangerous, vulnerable, insecure, is actually fine. The more you can be with it, the more it shows itself as okay, and at different levels. There is the level of the heart, where pain is okay. Being wounded at the deepest level is okay. The deepest sense of insecurity around life and death is okay.
When we are able to sit with those sensations and experiences and notice the experience itself, it will be known as okay. Not through a narrative about it, but felt directly. And that is when the compulsive mind, which was helping us deal with the sense of not-okay, begins to quiet. As we notice that it is okay, we call for the mind less. At some point, thought is simply available when we need it. As you said, you need thirty minutes of calculations, and the mind will be very ready for that, not tired, even more effective. And there is room for creativity and imagination and dreaming too.
I totally agree with what you just said. I have actually had the experience of seeing very scary thoughts and just sitting with them. They are just thoughts. They really come out of nothing, like weather, like a storm just passing through.
Yes.
The door of emptiness
Something keeps moving me. It kept coming up during the meditation and in the conversation. It really moves me. There was a part in the meditation where you were visiting what it is that might be too much. Is it too much beauty? Too much wonderment? As you visited each one, I was feeling how that could never be too much. It is like fullness, so beautiful. I did not feel a sense of being overwhelmed. It was just this completeness. How could there ever be too much of that?
But then you said, "Or is it too empty?" And I felt very afraid. I realized that what frightens me most is not the fullness but the emptiness. "It's too silent," you said. And yes, in the absence of everything, I seem to be terrified by this silence and emptiness. It really moves me. So I am sitting with it, and I wanted to share to see if you had something to say.
Yes. That is your door right now. Those words point to something that is not the words. You know it in your experience, and in a sense it is the nature of reality.
I think what you just said is true. It is as if I know it, and yet this feels like my last battle. It is like, "No, you can't be empty. It's full." And at the same time I know it, and there is nothing wrong with it, but I still want to battle that.
One hundred percent. And it is your choice how long you want to battle that. How long do you want to fight reality and claim to know how it is?
The other day, when you were talking about the importance of how we live with what we see once we see it, you asked me a question. You said to notice how there is not only a transparency in the eye but a transparency in everything. And I was like, "No. Enough with the eye, fine. But enough with everything? No." I feel the battle. But today I was really moved. Sometimes it is resistance, but today it was more like fright, because all the other words you used to point to that too-much-beauty, too-much-wonderment: that can never be overwhelming. It is absolutely mind-blowing, heart-opening. So how can that at the same time be nothing? Empty?
Fullness and emptiness are the same thing
You are comfortable with one perspective. I think you have worked on that. You journeyed with one perspective long enough that you are okay with it. But any perspective is a position, a view. It seems clear that the door now is the alternative view. Then you will be able to see that they are the same. There will be no view or perspective, because you can look in one sense at the emptiness and in another at the fullness, and it will be obvious that they are the same thing. But not without first seeing what is difficult for you. There is something that is fighting for that position, and in a sense, it is fighting for its life.
It really is about pretending.
Question (from another participant): Thank you. That was really moving, beautiful. Intense too, but thank you.