Trust and Its Conditions
La confianza y sus condiciones
A student explores whether her sense that "all is well" reflects genuine trust or a habitual pattern of avoidance, particularly in the context of a major life transition.
Trust and Its Conditions
A student explores whether her sense that "all is well" reflects genuine trust or a habitual pattern of avoidance, particularly in the context of a major life transition.
I was thinking about this during the meditation, when you said to look for what is contracting or creating friction, and if it isn't there, to let yourself submerge, to let yourself be taken. Through the earlier conversation I was thinking: I feel a distrust that all is well, that everything is undisturbed. But at the same time, I wonder, is it really okay? Am I not feeling something because I tend to avoid or withdraw? Yet I also have this trust that all is well. I don't feel contracted.
In the context of the saga I shared last week about buying an apartment: yesterday I had to let go of one I'd actually been accepted for. My offer had gone through, but we went through the inspection process and the building had all sorts of problems. So I withdrew from the purchase.
Obviously I felt very sad in that moment. But right now I don't feel a contraction, and once again I wonder: am I not feeling my feelings? Or is all truly well? I don't know if you have any pointers there.
Just to have that question, and the openness to see if there's anything you're avoiding, is itself valuable. At that level, that's all that's needed. But the next thing is that trust will often have certain limits or conditions.
So the next question would be: what do you want? When I say "what the universe wants through you," or "the universe as you wants," is there anything in life that you're withdrawing from or avoiding? I know you are personally moving into life a lot, but still: is there anything I truly, deeply want that I'm not moving into? That's where trust might have its conditions, and in a sense it gets tested until there's no test left.
Can you say more about that? Something comes up for me when you say it. Help me understand better what you mean about the testing, the limits, the conditions. How is it that we put limits or conditions on trust?
The confines of comfort
It's like saying, "I'm okay with what is happening, as long as it stays within these confines of what doesn't bring up in me certain kinds of feelings."
That makes sense. When you said that, what I feel is that there's a lot moving for me right now. There's the whole process of buying an apartment and finding the right one, but there's also something else. What really moved when you said "what you deeply want in life" is something that explodes in my chest right away. It has to do with community, with connection. Yesterday I was sitting on my couch and feeling that it's about going back into the world. Somehow I've been withdrawn from the world for a while, and it's about going back. That really moves me. It has less to do with the apartment. The apartment is in that direction, but it's not the thing itself.
Trust as relationships
Relationships are usually where trust is most challenged. In a sense, it's always about trusting life, but life as relationships, life as nature, life as everything. And there are different kinds of relationships, some of which we might find more or less challenging.
It doesn't feel like I can just focus on one thing and put a person or a part of life on pause. It's the entirety of life. Everything, all at once.
I was actually thinking last night about this. I haven't been to the pottery studio for a while. This whole process is so intense, and exciting too. I go through the roller coaster. But I was wondering: am I putting on pause something that is more important, or at least as important? I just don't know how to do it all. It is a lot.
Not too much on the plate
You are doing a lot. This is going to take time and energy. Try not to put too much on the plate. The apartment search is going to be done sooner than you think, and then there's going to be the next thing.
I can feel the energy in my body too. I'm not drained, but I'm tired for sure. That helps, because I do recognize the tendency to withdraw and avoid, and then I question myself: is it all really well, or am I not feeling something? Thank you. I'll keep you posted about the next apartment I find.