Trusting What Is Well
Confiar en lo que está bien
A student explores whether her sense that "all is well" is genuine equanimity or a familiar pattern of withdrawal, and the teacher points to where trust meets its real conditions.
Trusting What Is Well
A student explores whether her sense that "all is well" is genuine equanimity or a familiar pattern of withdrawal, and the teacher points to where trust meets its real conditions.
I was thinking about this during the meditation, when you said to look for what is contracting or where there is friction, and if it's not there, to let yourself submerge, to let yourself be taken. Through the earlier conversation, I was thinking: I feel distrust that all is well and that everything is undisturbed. But at the same time, I wonder, is it really so? Am I not feeling something because I tend to avoid or withdraw? And yet I also have this trust that all is well. I don't feel contracted.
In the context of the saga I told you all last week about buying an apartment: yesterday I had to let go of one I had actually gotten accepted for. My offer had gone through, but we went through an inspection and the building had all sorts of problems. So I withdrew from that offer. I'm not moving forward with the purchase. And obviously I felt very sad in that moment. But right now I don't feel a contraction. Once again, though, maybe I should double-check: am I not feeling my feelings? Or is all truly well? I don't know if you have any pointers there.
Just to have that question, and the openness to see if there's anything you're avoiding, I think that's all that's needed at one level. But the next thing would be that trust will have certain limits or conditions. It might not, but often it does.
What do you truly want?
And so the next thing would be: what do you want? When I say what the universe wants through you, or what the universe as you wants, is there anything in life that you're withdrawing from or avoiding? I know you personally are moving into life a lot, but still. Is there anything I truly, deeply want that I'm not moving into? That's where the trust might have its conditions. In a sense, it gets tested until there's no test left.
Can you say more about that? Something comes up for me when you say it, and I can feel it. Help me understand better what you mean about testing the limits, or how we put limits or conditions on the trust.
It's like saying, "I'm okay with what is happening, as long as it stays within the confines of what brings up in me only certain kinds of feelings."
That makes sense. Because when you said that, what I feel is that there is a lot moving for me right now. There's the whole process of buying an apartment and finding a place, but there is also something else. What really moved when you said "what you deeply want in life" is something that explodes in my chest right away. It has to do with looking for a place for community, for connection. Yesterday I was sitting on my couch and feeling that it's about going back into the world. Somehow I've been withdrawn from the world for a while, and it's about going back in. That really moves me. It has less to do with the apartment. The apartment is in that direction, but it's not the thing itself.
Where trust is most challenged
Relationships are usually where trust is most challenged. In a sense, it's always about trusting life, but life as relationships, life as nature, life as everything. There are different kinds of relationships, and some we might find more or less challenging.
It doesn't feel like I can just focus on one thing. It's the entirety of life. You can't just put one thing on pause for a little bit. Everything, everything. That makes sense.
I was actually thinking last night about whether I'm putting something more important on hold. I haven't been to the pottery studio for a while. This whole process is so intense, and it's exciting too. I go through the roller coaster. But I was wondering: am I putting on pause something that is as important, or more important? I just don't know how to do it all. It is a lot.
You are doing a lot, so I wouldn't push too hard. This is going to take time and energy.
I can feel the energy in my body, too. I'm not drained, but I'm tired for sure.
This is going to be done sooner than you think, and then there's going to be the next thing. Try not to put too much on the plate.
Work is really busy too. I was working already this morning before this call. There's a lot happening. But that helps, because I do know that I tend to withdraw and avoid. "Is all really well? Am I not feeling something?" So yes, that helps. Thank you. I'll keep you all posted about the next apartment I find.
Thank you.