Small Steps Through the Dark
Pequeños pasos a través de la oscuridad
A student shares his struggles with addiction, isolation, and feeling overwhelmed, and the teacher responds with compassion, encouraging small steps and arranging a private conversation.
Small Steps Through the Dark
A student shares his struggles with addiction, isolation, and feeling overwhelmed, and the teacher responds with compassion, encouraging small steps and arranging a private conversation.
I'm having trouble growing up. I'm struggling with addiction, self-sabotage, loneliness, and a lot of confusion. I'm having trouble being healthy, both mentally and physically. I'm not exercising at all. I'm totally alone. Could you say something about that?
Are you hurting? Are you in pain now?
It's more than pain. It's been like this for about ten years. I'm in Europe, totally alone. There is no word to describe it.
The importance of showing up
I feel you. I feel your vulnerability. We're here every Wednesday, so that's a start. Usually these things, especially growing up, take time. Part of this work unfolds in time and part of it doesn't, but a lot of what you're going through takes time.
What do you feel you have energy or interest in? Because the way to begin is with small steps. Start where you have some interest or motivation, even if it's very little. You're describing many challenges, and they're all woven together. You can't take them all on at the same time. But if you start somewhere, it's going to create a ripple effect.
I don't know. I'm completely full, so nothing is going in. Maybe I should do some exercise to empty out the stress and all that.
Are you working? Do you have a job? Are you able to go for a walk?
I just started a job. I work as a barkeeper, and I'm also studying nursing. But I make a lot of mistakes. I was studying before and couldn't continue, and I recently stopped again.
You're able to work, even though you're making mistakes. That's okay. That's a kind of foundation, right? To be able to work and have that be your ground.
I have to work because I'm alone. But actually, I think I should go to a clinic. I don't think I'm mentally fit right now. It's way too much.
What is your addiction?
I'm addicted to my phone, social media, pornography, and also thinking.
And you're able to go to your work and do what you have to do?
Yes, but I have no other options.
Well, that's good. And you mentioned exercise. Is that something you feel you have a bit of energy for?
I don't have energy for that, but it's the thing I should do. I don't have energy for anything.
Starting where you are
It's going to take time, but it's possible. It's very possible. It's just going to take time. What matters is to make small steps.
It feels like dying, though. Everything is too much. It feels like an electric shock in my brain. Everything is falling apart. The mind and the body feel like they're starting to die.
Are you able to have a conversation with me tomorrow?
I have school, so it depends on the time. Around the same time as today would work.
Let's arrange to talk tomorrow at a similar time. I'd like to have a private conversation with you.
That would be great. Small steps. It is happening because of school and work. I'm getting busier, and the small steps are happening. But it also feels like death.
Just know that it's possible.
The loneliness and the resistance
The feeling of being alone is too much. It's been a long time, something like ten years. But things are also fitting together right now, I think. It's getting better and it's also fading. I don't know.
It can happen that things get really hard when life is calling for a very deep change. And that deep change is possible.
That change must happen, but the resistance is way too much. Even though there is a lot of suffering, there is a lot of resistance at the same time. I feel like I should change, but there is this great, sabotaging hopelessness.
There is also the fear of the unknown. When we're in a lot of suffering, change is also scary. Change toward something good is scary, because it's unknown.
There's no hope for change. It feels like I'm just living for my mom, and there's no part of me that actually wants to be here. I'm totally confused.
You're going through a lot. Let's find the time tomorrow. I think we can talk more then.
That would be great. I'm not doing well today, so it might be that too. Tomorrow would be great.