The Temptation to Help
La tentación de ayudar
A question about the difficulty of knowing when and how to share one's meditation practice with friends, and the fine line between offering guidance and projecting onto others.
The Temptation to Help
A question about the difficulty of knowing when and how to share one's meditation practice with friends, and the fine line between offering guidance and projecting onto others.
Something that's been coming up with particular friends: they seem to show interest in awakening sometimes. They see me, they know I meditate and do all this. But there feels like a fine line between giving them advice and holding back, knowing when it's good for them and when it's not. I found myself being a bit direct, and it just felt wrong afterwards. I'm trying to sense when someone is genuinely interested and how much is good to share. I've also noticed that even when people aren't interested, I find myself being a bit pushy with it, just because I feel like this is an amazing thing, to meditate and realize yourself. I want everyone to get in touch with it. But finding that balance is the challenge.
The assumption of clarity
I think I understand the situation you're sharing, and I can say a few things.
One important factor is to simply assume that we don't see as much as we think in others, that we often get ahead of ourselves. We are too quick to assume we understand where somebody is at, what they need, what their problem is. Most likely, much of it is some form of projection.
I would say: hold on to that assumption almost always, unless the situation is truly extreme, where the clarity is just unmistakable. At the same time, another rule of thumb for this kind of situation: if what you want to share is something that challenges the other person, proceed with great care. And you have to be very broad about what "challenging" means, because something that for you could be a beautiful thing could be deeply challenging for someone else.
Resistance and asking permission
This work goes against what most people want, in some form. There's a lot of resistance, a lot of attachment to beliefs, attachment to realities that are of the mind. People will resist. So there's an art to it: ask for permission, in some form, before saying what you have to say.
But if they ask you first, then the first rule is the one that matters: even then, just assume you likely don't see things fully. And in fact, the more you think you see clearly, the more suspicious you should be of that clarity.
Many years ago, I was working with a teacher, and I was meeting people who were interested in that work. My role was essentially directing them toward this teacher, saying, "You're interested in this; this is where you can find it." But I always came from the position of genuinely not knowing. "If you want, this is where I recommend you go."
I've seen a lot of people who get into this work, good things happen, and then it becomes very easy to turn into an evangelist. That is not actually very helpful or good. But if people ask, you can offer resources. You can speak your own truth.
I was asked directly once, and something about how I responded put them off, I think.
That's the art of how you respond. For me, it was very much about just referring people to someone else: "Here are some books, here are some teachers, this has been helpful for me." Then, in the moment-to-moment interactions with people who are close to you, you might have something to share that can be very impactful as you deepen in your own work.
But the first rule of thumb is: just assume that we appear to have more clarity than we actually do. There's a big temptation to know, to see, to help somebody else. And a lot of that is, I think, what the saying from Jesus points to: focus on the log in your own eye before you try to clear the splinter in somebody else's. It really is like that. Often we have a log in our own eye, and we see it reflected in the other person.
I feel like my intuition grows along this road. But discerning between genuine intuition and projection onto other people seems tricky sometimes.
Intuition and the trap of knowing
It should always be tricky, because the minute we think we know what intuition is, we are in a belief system. Any sense of "this is my intuition, and my intuition says this and that," then what's the difference between that and a belief system? What's the difference between that and the mind, and us buying into some conditioning from the mind?
If you know what intuition is, it's not intuition. You will never know with certainty that you are operating from wisdom. You will be completely in a state of not knowing. The minute some form of knowing appears that can be put into words, that becomes "what intuition is" or "what truth is," then it's likely not.
I think there's something more like a total spontaneity, without words.
Spontaneity presents the same problem. What's the difference between spontaneity and reactivity? How do you tell the difference? How can you know the difference? It requires a great deal of subtlety and clear seeing to distinguish. Because the mind is going to wrap a conditioning or a reactivity into a very honorable cause: intuition, truth, help, and so on. That needs to be seen through clearly.
None of what I'm saying is directed at you specifically. I'm speaking very generally to the kind of situation you brought up.
Thank you.
You're welcome.