When Everything Wants to Run
Cuando Todo Quiere Huir
A question about how to approach the raw, overwhelming emotions that surface as familiar patterns of identification begin to dissolve, and whether it is possible to live daily life in the midst of such intensity.
When Everything Wants to Run
A question about how to approach the raw, overwhelming emotions that surface as familiar patterns of identification begin to dissolve, and whether it is possible to live daily life in the midst of such intensity.
I wanted to ask about untamed emotions. You've talked about those, and I find that when they come up (and they've been coming up recently, both physically and emotionally) it is so hard to find what you were describing so beautifully in the meditation: the beauty of just the presence that is here, being with sensations as they are. The only thing getting in the way of liberation is the wanting of something to be different. But when those untamed emotions come up, everything in me wants to run. Not only from the experience, but from life itself, from anything I'm doing. My body is totally constricted, contracted, and it's unclear sometimes what is actually even happening in terms of emotions and sensations. There's just a lot of shittiness. That's the best way to put it. In those moments, how do you approach them? Can you say something about the approach you were describing in the meditation: being with sensations, the presence that is already here, the movement of sensations already here?
Just for context for the group: "untamed emotions" is a way to speak about the storminess that happens when we start to undo our more normal identification. The "tamed" emotions would be the familiar struggle and suffering we're used to, that which repeats. When we see through that, a different layer of intensity comes up that is much more raw, much more real. The word "untamed" points to the fact that these emotions are unknown. They are not something we can relate to habitually.
A good sign, not a bad one
The very appearance of them is a good sign. That things are shaking up to that degree of intensity is the sign that we are moving to the edges of the known, the edges of identification with thought. It is the threshold to the beyond, so to speak. They are, in a sense, the guardians. This kind of intensity moves at a deep level of fear and pain and all forms of mind activation around that.
The key is trust
So to your question: the key is trust. Trust that it is positive that this is happening. The need and the desire to run away will bring with it a very underlying sense of wrongness or danger, to the point that it feels like: "This is the end of me. There's no way there's anything good about this." That is precisely what needs to be doubted. Doubt that deep sense of wrongness, and then trust. What if this is a doorway? Not a doorway into anything over there, or in some other time or place, but a doorway to what is truly here. You could think of it as the deepest activation of a veil, the ego pulling out its big guns to convince you to turn back.
Find the core sensation
At the level of the senses, look for that which is a sensation. There is going to be a lot of active thought, and there is going to be a core sensation that feels unbearable. The more you can have a direct, intimate relationship with that sensation, the more you can touch it directly. In that touching and relating, something can be revealed. I don't want to give you more thoughts about it, but what can be revealed is that the sensation is not what it seems to be. Something can be disclosed at the most intimate contact with the most difficult sensations. For example, something that is terrifying and painful can be revealed as vitality and love.
An acquired taste
But this is what I mean by an acquired taste. At first it burns. It's unbearable. Often it is like that for quite a long time, and it might seem like no progress is being made. But the practice is simply going back there. Keep touching it. Keep distilling it to the source. There is still going to be more superficial emotional activation, but underneath that, there is a core sensation: that which is unbearable, that which you want to run away from, that which makes you think, "Why bother living? This is completely unbearable." Is any of this resonating?
Yes. I realized last night that when I went into fear, into the sensation, fear turned out to be vitality and aliveness. So I really resonate with that. But when I go into the sensations and the emotions, there's this feeling of conflict: I can't live my life while this is happening, yet I have to live my life in the midst of this crazy, untamed fear and wrongness. I notice myself fighting. I need to show up for things, but I feel like I can't even touch in with this stuff. Does that make sense?
A hundred percent. Part of that is just thoughts. "I can't live my life while this is happening" is a thought. If you believe it, you go down a path you are already familiar with, which is struggle and fear, because believing that thought is going to bring more fear.
The fear behind the fear
There are practicalities around it, of course. Something really unknown is moving, and there is fear, and there is a sense that something like life or death is coming up. "If I go down this road, I won't be able to live because I won't be able to function and do the things I need to do." That is more fear. That is more thought. And it does bring you to the point where you have to choose, and keep choosing, to take the risk.
Take the risk of living with the sensations as they are, being wherever I am?
The choice is: do I fight this and push it away, or do I go deeper into it and risk the dysfunction that feels like it's going to be the end of me?
Well, that's the problem. I feel like there is a dysfunction that is going to be the end of me. I'm with it, but then I can't do anything. I have plans with a friend, and I'm being with this, and I'm in the fetal position. I can't get up and do something. That's where I fight myself. I don't mind being with it, but I also have to live and be with it at the same time, and that's where the struggle is.
The practical and the imagined
That is just the practical nature of things. You might have to tell your friend, "I'm really sorry, can we do this tomorrow?" But the mind makes it a big deal, and you buy into that.
I do buy into the struggle, and that makes it a struggle in the mind. I'm in the sensations, being with them, and it feels like everything is wrong and shouldn't be this way. But I get that that's thought. So I'm just in it, and then my mind says, "You need to get up and do everything you need to do," while my body is saying, "You can't. Whatever is going on is bringing you to where you need to lie down or sit down." It's good to hear some permission that I can choose to make sacrifices in my life.
Yes, and you can choose to explore all of the unknowns. Maybe you can be with this and also see your friend. Maybe you can get up and do something while staying engaged and touching this. Maybe you can say no to a commitment and stay and be still. It is all about exploring.
We elicit the scary story
We usually say "the mind does this," as if it is happening to you, but we are actually eliciting that kind of thought. In a sense, it is as though we look at the mind and say, "Give me a very scary story about this so that I have a reason to run." There is a creativity in it, but it is us eliciting thought, activating aspects that rationalize and justify, quite honorably, how we will run.
Rationalization. Yes. Thank you.