The Fear Beneath the Seeking
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A student explores the subtle sense of something missing, the pull between rest and action, and the difference between healing trauma and stepping into life.
The Fear Beneath the Seeking
A student explores the subtle sense of something missing, the pull between rest and action, and the difference between healing trauma and stepping into life.
I'm resonating with everyone's shares. This "not knowing" thing is really hitting me. I have no clue anymore what the concepts of awakening and liberation even mean. When you were describing it earlier, I thought, "What?" It doesn't even make sense to me anymore. How would there be an observer separate from everything? And yet I notice some insecurity: am I not getting something? Is there something I haven't seen? But I don't see any distinction. The observer is just a thought, so why would that be anything? I don't even know if I'm making sense.
You are making sense. When I speak to someone, I'm speaking in a language limited by my capabilities in my form, but I'm trying to attune to the best words and style that will be useful in that context. None of it is true. None of it is "what really is" or "the truth." These are just ways of expressing.
The sense of lack
There is always more to see. What really matters is to look at the sense of lack, the sense of something missing, something not being okay. My experience is this: if there is a sense that right now isn't the most interesting, beautiful, amazing thing, if there's something where it starts to tip towards tomorrow or later as hopefully being better than this, that can only happen when we start believing something the mind is saying that isn't real.
That really resonates, because that's what I've been noticing. There are plenty of moments where it does feel totally perfect, and then plenty of moments where it doesn't. I notice the old habits of seeking: "I need better housing, a better relationship, a better environment," and so on. But then that's also okay. That's the human experience. There will always forever be a wanting to expand.
It's important to really attune to this, and only you can do it for yourself: to have that deep integrity, that honesty. Is there really a deep sense that something's not okay, that something's missing, even if it's subtle? Because that's what's going to happen. It's going to become less intensely dramatic and horrible, but it will become more subtle.
I am being honest that that is still there. There's still a processing happening. There's a ton of grief in the body.
Grief and okayness
I'm not talking about grief, because grief will come and go. Even if it's from trauma in the past, there can still be a very deep sense of okayness in the middle of grief. I'm talking about a sense of something missing, no matter what.
That makes sense. I think that's what I notice: the tendency to want the grief to end, some seeking pattern. There's some resistance, a push and pull. Then I notice that, and I'm trying to just be fully surrendered, but then I notice there's someone trying to be fully surrendered.
The key there is to really attune to the sensation of that urge. Do you know what I mean by that, or should I say a little more?
I know exactly what you mean, and then I just feel like that takes me deeper into the grief.
That's perfect. And then any sense that the grief shouldn't be there, that it's not okay: that isn't just a thought form, a judgment, thoughts about thoughts. There's going to be a sensation, a kind of urge that pushes and pulls into "this is not okay, I need to resolve it." Then the seeking runs from there. But the core of that is going to be some deep, subtle discomfort, some deep, subtle sensation that you're trying to avoid or resolve or remove. You can just sit with that and really attune to it. As I was describing in meditation, it's going to shapeshift. It's going to move and change, or it might feel stuck. Just explore the direct contact of that and see that it's not a thing. It's an energetic that moves.
It feels like I can shift into various perspectives in the way I relate to the sensation. I can shift into what you just said, where it's like, "Oh, this is just energy," and then it evaporates. It's nothing. It's pure joy and emptiness. And then there's another mode where I can just be feeling it without doing anything with it, without even coming closer.
What is it now?
But what is it now? I think we risk going into an analysis of situations that are not present. How is it now?
I'm tuning into the heart space, and there are these waves. It could be called grief. It's kind of like trembling. I can be with that, and then a wave will release: tremble, tremble, tremble, and then release. I stay with my attention and it happens again. That's what I'm noticing now, just these waves.
And is there a sense of that not being okay, or being wrong in some way?
It's fine for a time, but there's a frustration that comes. It's repetitive, and it almost feels like I'm not fully releasing something.
So there's a paradigm, a perspective that there's a right way and a wrong way, and that you will get to the right way if there is a full release.
Yeah, there's an expectation that it will go away and I'll be back to feeling good.
Feeling good while grief is happening
What if you temporarily adopt a view, a perspective, where you can see that you can feel good while the grief is happening?
That's the shift I was mentioning, where I'm relating with it with welcome and love, and then it's warm and fuzzy and sweet.
And how is it now?
It feels really intimate. It's like I'm a little baby with this. It feels sweet and innocent.
It's vulnerable. And is there a sense or feeling that it should be different?
No. I'm merged with it. It's all of me. And reflecting on this movement, it feels like I have this beautiful merging and intimacy, and I think, "This is all I've ever wanted. Why would I ever leave this?" And then it does shift. It's almost like it's too good. Or it just feels like programming, like the default mode network kicking in.
You might be attaching to a certain way in which you relate to that.
It feels like this is the intimacy I've always wanted. To me, that's what liberation would be: just feeling this intimate and fulfilled all the time.
Intimacy is always here
That's exactly what it is not. Any sense of what it is as a description: that's not it. You could say the intimacy always is, always was. It is this, no matter what. Any sense of a movement towards more or less intimacy with what is, that is the illusion. Only the mind learning patterns and calling something more or less intimate can make it so.
So whenever there's that sensation, it's really just back to what we were saying: when it feels like something's missing, dive into that more.
Notice what is.
It is so subtle to find where it turns into seeking.
It's when you decide that the line is an abstract line in the sand: what is how it should be, what is how it shouldn't be, and then how to move from one to the other. All of that is just thoughts. The paradox is that the more you see that, then what you're actually looking for starts happening.
It feels like that flow happens, but I have no clue how. And when it's not happening, it's very apparent that something's off.
That "something's off" is also it. That's also awake. You can look at that as a thought and recognize it as a thought.
It's such a paradox, because it does flow and happen naturally when it's seen more.
That's the carrot at the end of the stick, and that's the problem. The way is through just dropping and allowing.
Doing and not doing
There's a lot of patterning for this body-mind to be isolated and not doing anything. There are periods where that's just okay, and then there's a buildup of frustration.
You're dividing life in two: doing and not doing, and attaching the sense of self more towards the not doing.
That's one aspect, but there's another aspect that's heart-based. I know what I love, and I'm not really doing it. I can guess there are all kinds of fear and beliefs holding that back, but that's all in the realm of psychology and therapy. There's no line anymore. I don't see divisions of "this is therapy" and "this is awakening." It all feels very blended to me now. It's hard to make a distinction between seeking and simply living.
I'm not following entirely. I have a sense, but not following entirely.
Maybe it's helpful to say, in your language, you'll say "follow your heart." There are levels to that. There's the ultimate heart, and then there's the human passions. And there's therapy and healing you can do to uncover whatever obstacles keep you from living your passions.
What does the universe as you want?
When I ask, "What does the universe as you want?" I'm talking about manifestation. I'm talking about the relative, which is very different from the ultimate. The ultimate is this: whatever is appearing now. But there is another aspect, which is at the relative level: what desires are deepest? That's what I'm addressing when I ask what you, as universe, want.
For me, that's been answered for so many years. It's been so clear what lights me up, what feels like flow and love pouring out into the world through me. And yet the energy mostly moves towards safety and comfort and not doing those things.
So are you saying that what you want is safety and comfort? Oh, you're saying you're not doing the things you want because of safety and comfort. This is what I'm saying about the bicycle. You have to get on the bicycle and fall off it. It's just a matter of taking risks into life.
I do that. That's what I call the phases where it's more flowy, more doing. It's fun. And then I fall, and then safety and comfort get prioritized in the repair of that fall. Those periods of repairing are just much longer than I would like.
It's fear, then. It's fear that's taking over.
It's clear to me that it's fear, but I'm not interested in pushing. That feels like old modus operandi.
Taking a risk is not pushing. It's diving and letting go.
It's not like I'm looking at the risk and avoiding it. I know in general the things I want to do, but I don't know the specifics of what or how. Then I just go back to "life will show me," and then it doesn't.
You against your own desire for illusion
You're at a point where you need to see for yourself. It's you against you, you against your own desire for illusion, against your own desire for listening to the god of fear. You have a crossroads where it's up to you to take more responsibility, to look more directly and honestly at what terrifies you.
I feel like I've done that ad nauseam. This is what I mean: this is the realm of psychology and therapy and trauma healing. I do all that stuff too.
I don't think this is at a psychological level. It's something much more existential, much more life and death, and it has to do more with awakening than the psychological.
I'm surprised to hear you say that, because it feels to me like it's the fear from traumas that are holding me back.
Trauma as a paradigm
I don't agree. That is probably the thing keeping you where you are: the paradigm that it's trauma, and once trauma is resolved, then you'll be free. That's never going to work.
What makes the distinction for you between fear based on trauma and existential fear?
Trauma is the inability to touch pain directly, due to beliefs. Those beliefs need to be worked with and undone so that the pain can be touched directly. But life is infinitely traumatic, so that's an endless process. What we're talking about has to do with freedom of being and living.
The existential fear is the fear of death, and to me all trauma stems from that. I understand what you mean about working through the beliefs and that being endless, but I also think the root is the same.
I don't agree. The approach of trauma is: "Once I am healed of this, I will be free and I will feel what I'm longing to feel." That's not going to work.
I think trauma can also be seen as something where, if I'm afraid of something that happened earlier in my life and that's a fear I still hold as a young version of me, yes, that's there.
So the fear of death, or the fear of life, being the same thing.
Going into life will feel more like death, and that's where they touch. But it's really about the ending of what I think I am. Deep pain can bring that up as well. What I'm trying to say is that I have a sense you're driving towards a healing of trauma as a path to freedom. There is a balance there, and for another person that might be appropriate in the moment, but it's not ultimately a path to freedom.
I'm just trying to do both simultaneously.
My sense and my recommendation is this: the trauma work you've done and what is needed, you will address as needed. But it's no longer a priority for you, in my sense. In fact, it's probably a distraction, an avoidance. Not in the sense that it won't be ongoing, but it's not the main thing.
Then I would love to hear what your recommendation is to go the other way. It doesn't feel like there's anything I can do.
Taking risks, gently
Take risks. Do what you most deeply feel that you love and want to do. You can know what that is, as you said, and that's right. That's partly where the risk is: in the exploration.
Where I keep feeling ping-ponged is: I go out, I'm performing, it's amazing, and then my body's exhausted. So I take a rest, and then the rest turns into stopping for a long time. The periods of repairing after the fall are just much longer than I would like.
Maybe you need to find a balance where the energy is, where you don't need to rest that much.
I also have chronic health issues. That's the big thing that leads me to want to do more trauma healing, so I can be more free in my body to do the things I love.
I understand that, but I really have a sense that the balance is more towards life and risks. Maybe with a level of intensity that's lesser than what you're used to or what you know from the past, if you're exhausting yourself.
I tend to be pretty extreme.
That's probably not it. That's past conditioning.
The extremes are mind
My body is preventing me from going to what used to be my extreme. It's not even physically possible anymore. But I think mentally I still want to tackle a lot, and then the body's not happy with that.
That's not what would be the answer to what the universe wants if your body is not up for it.
This is where you can see the loop of wanting to sit on the couch all day.
That's the polarity. But that polarity of pushing and extremes and then having to hibernate: that's mind. Those extremes are mind. The deeper desire isn't going to be extremes.
What I've been wanting is to really allow the body to do what it needs. When it needs to rest, it needs to rest. When I'm feeling a sense of "this isn't enough" and feeling good, I push a little to shift. It is the mind that starts to attach to rest, and I can notice when that starts to feel restrictive. But it also feels restrictive to not let my body rest as long as it wants to.
You might need to rest because you're pushing when you're not resting. By that, I mean you're going into beliefs.
From an awakening perspective, I do think a lot of energy is being spent in just thought, even though my thoughts feel way more cloud-like than they've ever felt. I can tell there's still programming that's taking a lot of energy.
Leaning into the fear
Are you afraid now?
Yeah. I can feel it. My whole body's kind of trembling with the heat of fear.
Lean into that, with gentleness. What might you want that you had not imagined? It's new, it's softer, it's not some big push. Just deeper, softer, more mysterious. More of listening to something that's unformed. That will bring up fear, but move gently into it and just stay with that. Explore that and see what happens.
Explore asking myself what I want?
Feel into it, and don't let the mind come up with habitual answers, because that's more mind. It's not the universal in you.
I can't tell you how many times I've done this.
I don't mean you in the same sense as before.
I'm not trying for it to be the same. I inquire into what feels alive, and it always ends up being the same answer: the same things I know I love and have wanted for a long time. Then I take some action and it just doesn't quite flow. I was making YouTube videos, and I was so excited. It was deeply nourishing, not just a short-span jolt of energy. It was very deeply aligned. And then, literally zero views. I just kept doing it from the love of it, but eventually there was no reciprocity to make it fun. I was just talking to myself.
Something new and deeper
It's a bicycle. You can back up and explore, keep exploring.
So the getting back up also means keep asking what wants to be?
Yes, because it's not getting back up and going around the same block. It's about allowing something new and deeper than what you know. That's where there will be more life, more fear, and more freedom.