The Glass Half Empty
El vaso medio vacío
A student asks why dissatisfaction feels infinite, why the glass always seems half empty no matter how full it gets, and the teacher explores how false identity sustains a never-ending sense of lack.
The Glass Half Empty
A student asks why dissatisfaction feels infinite, why the glass always seems half empty no matter how full it gets, and the teacher explores how false identity sustains a never-ending sense of lack.
During the meditation we were talking about seeking, and the possibility of witnessing dissatisfaction. It brings back to me the image of the glass half empty. Why can't I just see it as half full? Why do I have to say it's half empty while others see it half full? And even if someone did fill it up with water, I still think there's something missing. It just feels infinite. Even up to the brim, there's still that sense of lack. That's just how it feels. Why?
That's a really good question. You're asking about the sense of dissatisfaction. Last time you were here, you saw that there's a distrust, and you're wondering why it seems so hard to just be satisfied. There's always a sense of the glass being half empty, even if it's getting filled. A never-ending sense of dissatisfaction.
Believing what is not true
The cause of that is because we believe things which are not true. If you look at what that really is, it goes very deep. It has to do with what you believe you are. If you believe you're something you're not, there's going to be dissatisfaction. Think of it this way: if you're a gazelle and you believe you're a tiger, there's going to be dissatisfaction. Only in recognizing your true nature can you be free from it.
This is what is described as self-realization, and there are many steps along the way. Different traditions map it differently. Nobody journeys this in the same way; it is very unique to every individual.
Distrust is fear
Last week you recognized a distrust in the present moment. Distrust is fear. There's fear of what is actually here. So what is the danger? And what is it that is in danger?
When you were speaking, I realized that everything was always about me. Something like some small loss.
It's exactly about what you just described: you're defining "not me" and "me." But whatever you're defining as "me" is not stable. It's not permanent. If you believe you are something that comes and goes, you're going to live restless.
There's a battle to solidify what you are, to stabilize the imagination of what you are, which is not truly what you are. And then there's the desire to be free from that, the longing to be free from that. There's the attachment to illusion and the desire for freedom from illusion. I'm using the word "illusion" knowing that you're not necessarily aware of what the illusion is in you, but you saw it last week. Something which you believed you were for many years, and you saw it disappear. Then something remained.
The pull to reconstruct
Now there's going to be something in you putting extra effort, something not you, a deep habit, pulling to go back and reconstruct that identity and make it solid. At the same time, something in you tasted a freedom, and it's going to long for that. There's going to be a battle between these two.
The root of the struggle, the reason it's not easy to just let go, has to do with avoiding the present. But it's not just avoiding the present per se. It's avoiding certain sensations, certain pains. Something very familiar from when we're very young. It's really just an energy, just a feeling, just a current of uncomfortable, scary sensation. Through the mind we see it and we think, "No way. I need to get away from this."
The way we push that away, the way we repress and control what is in us, is by constantly dissociating from the present. Anything that triggers those sensations, we try to control, manage, avoid, stabilize, so that this group of sensations we really don't like cannot come up. That whole striving energy is what takes us into the world of thought. It's very stormy, because it's constant energy put into avoiding.
The present moment as death
So the present moment, in a sense, is death. To the mind, coming to the present moment is the end of illusion, the end of everything you've tried to accomplish, which is avoiding something. In the present moment, what you've been avoiding is waiting for you.
But what can happen is you can meet it and recognize, as one teaching says, it's not a snake, it's a rope. It seemed terrible and deadly, but it's just a rope. It's just an energy. It's just a sensation.
I feel like it comes up in certain situations.
Yes, there are triggers, situations. One of the key things you brought up is that there are different aspects of how this work can be successful, and one is having a philosophical understanding.
Two kinds of seeking
When I said in the meditation that there's a way of seeking that is never-ending dissatisfaction, and then there's a way of seeking that is the ending of seeking because you find, those happen in very different ways. The seeking that is never-ending dissatisfaction is avoidance. It's trying to control life, trying to control situations, trying to go into thought and not feel what is coming up. That is a strategy that will always fail, because you're carrying within you that which you're running away from. Wherever you go, it's coming.
The way of finding is through the temporarily difficult sensations. I always just call it fear and pain. But what makes it possible is to recognize that what you are cannot be damaged by the fear or the pain. That's why there's a part of this process that has to do with recognizing the false ideas of what you are. What you believe yourself to be is under threat, but it's not what you really are.
The death of the tiger
Back to the metaphor: the gazelle has the image of a tiger in her mind and is dissatisfied. She wants truth, wants freedom. Freedom is realizing you're a gazelle, but that is the death of the tiger, the death of the image, the belief. As the gazelle starts to realize it's a gazelle, has a glimpse of "Oh, I'm a gazelle," the image of tiger is under threat. The image of tiger is coming to its death. In the present moment, the truth of its gazelle nature is the end of the belief in being a tiger.
It's a metaphor, but it is very literal. Those glimpses can feel very relieving and beautiful, but then they bring you closer to the fire. You have an image: really, really "me." This body, this mind, this narrative, this past, this life, this future. All of that constant narrative with a character in the center. All of that is what I'm referring to as the false image of what you are.
You've had a glimpse where that paused, disappeared. It went away, but you were here. You saw it come and go. So what are you? If that came and went, it cannot be you. What remained?
Grieving the illusion
I feel like I'm seeing more and more the tiger and how it's not real.
Yes. At first it's very naturally hard. This illusion is heartbreaking. It's painful. So let yourself grieve that. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. That's the simplest way. Feel ashamed, feel sad, feel pain, feel angry, feel afraid. Just let all of that come. I guarantee you it will come and it will go. Nothing that comes remains permanently. Everything that comes will go.
As you said, everything that comes and goes is not real, in a very specific use of the word "real." That which knows what comes and goes is what's real. You saw it come and go and come. A lot of people understand you. You're not alone in that process. Many people relate to you. I've been there. So many people have gone through this.
What you are not, and what you are
Can the brain, the false image, the false part... is there a further step?
First, what you are not is recognized. What you thought you were is seen as not you. Then the "I" which points to what is real can come and go as well. It's just pointing. It's just a name. But what is real can be revealed to you, because it is what you are. And it will be. It's inevitable.
Think of it as a long journey home. Because the journey has so many valleys and villages and rivers and oceans and mountains, you have no need to rush. You'll get home. So enjoy the journey.