The Annoyance That Hides Something Deeper
La Molestia Que Oculta Algo Más Profundo
A student describes recognizing storms of thought during meditation and asks how to process the irritation that accompanies them. The teacher guides the student to look beneath the surface emotion of annoyance toward the deeper energies of anger, pain, and fear that the mind is working to avoid.
The Annoyance That Hides Something Deeper
A student describes recognizing storms of thought during meditation and asks how to process the irritation that accompanies them. The teacher guides the student to look beneath the surface emotion of annoyance toward the deeper energies of anger, pain, and fear that the mind is working to avoid.
The moment I realized I was swimming in a storm of thought, thoughts were still flowing. I didn't try to push them away or withdraw from them. Instead, I would do something like move my fingers slightly, just as a reminder of physical sensation.
What are you trying to deal with? You say you realize you're in the storm of thought. The moment you realize that, what is the problem?
I was just trying to describe the process. At this point, I recognize that thought is happening, heavy thought is happening. I don't always get drawn into the thought. I actually recognize that these thoughts are happening. And there is some sort of annoying sensation with certain thoughts. Not all types, only a certain type of thought. It's just annoying. Just a feeling, a sensation.
Annoyance is not a sensation
Let's say "annoying." How is it, exactly? Because "annoying" is not really a sensation. What's the actual sensation?
Can I give an example? My mother-in-law got her hair cut, and her hair was just cut and left there. When I was in the meditation with you, I was listening, and that thought just came up. When that thought arose, I felt annoyed. It's mostly related to her, and I want to process this. So when the thought comes around, I recognize it as a thought, and when the feeling comes around, I recognize it as a feeling of annoyance. I just feel what it feels like to be annoyed.
Emotion as illusion
Annoyance is an emotion, so there isn't anything to process there, because it is illusion. The emotion itself is an illusion. And by illusion, I mean it isn't something that requires time to process. It isn't a real energetic that needs to be freed or felt or known in the way you might think. It needs to be recognized as what it is, and then it needs to be seen as just an illusion.
Something else is happening, something likely deeper. What you're describing is a coping mechanism. Having a friction around something your mother-in-law is doing and having an emotional reaction is the way you cope with something else that is actually happening. There is a deeper energetic, a deeper feeling, that is not annoyance. The annoyance is how you are relating to it, but it is masking what's really going on.
So the question of how to work with it: at this level, it's not a processing. It's a seeing through illusion. That seeing through can take time and can take a process in dialogue, but once it's seen, it's instantaneous.
The mirage and the rope
It's like looking at what seems to be water in a desert. You think it's an oasis, but it's a mirage, an optical illusion. It's actually not water. The instant you see it's not water, reality is known. There isn't a process happening. Same with a positive metaphor from Ramana Maharshi: there's an encounter with a snake on a trail in the forest, and then the recognition comes that it was not a snake, it's a rope. It's a seeing of reality that is instantaneous the moment it's seen. There isn't a process.
So what you're describing, from what I hear, is that there is a reaction to something else. The reaction is: "My mother-in-law cut her hair and dropped it in the garden, and it annoys me." The annoyance you describe is like an uncomfortable sensation. To me, that is exactly how I would define all of it: it is mind. There isn't much to process there other than whatever it takes for you to see that it is an illusion, that it's not real. Your mother could be cutting her hair and dropping it in the garden, and you could just be enjoying the beauty of her enjoying herself cutting her hair, the hair falling into the garden. You could perceive it that way. It's really just a mental interpretation. I'm not saying you have to see it that way, but I'm saying it is literally just how you interpret that. And that is mind.
What's really happening underneath
But what I'm also saying is that there's something else happening. It has to do with the relationship with your mother-in-law, and it has to do with some form of pain, some form of fear and pain in that relationship. That's really what's happening. Being annoyed with the hair is the surface layer.
The coping is that we don't see the thing that's actually there, so we get distracted with some other thing that consumes the energy of what's really present. Think of it this way: a real energy appears, like a deep pain or fear or some other energetic. It could even be love. It is too intense, and we are unable to be with it. Because we are unable to directly allow this energy to move (and it is an energy; it does move through the organism, through the body, through the flesh, through the nervous system, it literally does), we need to burn that energy. We need to reduce the intensity and the heat. The way we cope when we are unable to do it directly is with mental-emotional narrative and storm. The stormier the mental-emotional narrative, the more we're burning the real energy that's there, but we're not really in touch with what's really there.
I don't know what else is happening.
Maybe anger. Or pain, fear, anger. It could be love, but anger is possible.
I really have no idea.
Anger as a doorway
This is something to look at. When you're feeling annoyed, ask yourself: Are you angry? Are you frustrated? Are you hurting? Because anger moves us closer to what's really there. To recognize anger and be able to process and be with anger moves us closer to something that has to do with our vulnerability and pain. But anger, again, is still part of a defense. We cannot skip. We cannot jump through things. We need to be able to allow what is to be there. If anger is there, pain is there, whatever it is, if you want to think of it as a process, think of it as: How can I see through the illusion of this narrative and get to what's really there? What is the real energy? Is it fear? Is it pain? Is it anger? Is it love? Something that has been hard for you to be in direct contact with.
I do feel anger, but I don't know how to relate anger with this incident.
It could be very subtle. It's off to the side, but it's really a frustration. You want to tell her she's doing something wrong, and you know it's right, and there's some conflict.
I think it's my issue. I don't think it's related to her specifically. She could just be the trigger.
Of course. It has to do with the relationship, and ultimately, yes, it's you with you.
So I ignore the annoyance and the story of what's happening?
Seeing, not ignoring
Not necessarily ignore. Just know that it's an interpretation. It's not reality.
I see that as thoughts. And the thought carries this emotion.
Yes, the annoyingness. The annoyingness is helping you. It's helping you not feel something else.
So beneath it is actually anger. Sometimes I feel pain too. But I was thinking it's not a case of running away from her; she triggers me, but anyone else could trigger me too.
Of course. But a mother is going to be the mother of all triggers.
It's really the issue of this anger and pain, and trying to find the true reason for this anger and pain within me.
Feeling through the layers
It starts to become not about finding a true issue, but about seeing through the illusory interpretation that's helping you not feel something, so that you get in touch with what it is helping you not feel. Then it's more about just letting whatever is happening be there. If it's anger, you feel the anger, and that's going to start to do things on its own. You're going to start to see what the anger is about. More often than not, the anger is helping you not feel something else. What is it helping you not feel? Perhaps pain, powerlessness, different forms of pain. Then you can start to feel that.
This is a process, more like a process of psychological clearing. If it goes really deep, it starts to move into shadow work, which is when you get in touch with energies that are completely overwhelming to the mind. It gets powerful. The deeper it goes, the more intense it can get. But right now, it's really just about seeing your interpretation and asking: what are you really feeling?
I have this bodily sensation. It's really like tingling on my feet, on my lower legs. It feels like gravity there, really intense. And my forehead a lot of the time feels like a hammer there, really intense energy. But it's kind of nice; it's not painful.
I'm referring to what you feel when you are in that moment you described, when the mind is very intense, when there's a struggle with intensity of the mind. I would say: see what is actually happening at the level of feeling. "Annoying" is not an answer in this sense, because that's part of the intensity of mind. A truer answer is: "I'm angry. I'm in pain."
So it's about feeling that anger in the moment it's felt?
Yes, but feel it and be curious. Anger is more real than the sense of annoyance as a discomfort. And then: what else is happening that's real? You might discover there is pain. Feel that. Just be transparent and honest with yourself.
I think it is pain and anger. These are the two that are not being fully addressed yet. That could be the reason.
Honesty over avoidance
Yes. The more you are honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel, for example, "I'm angry. I'm angry with this person, or with myself, or with this situation," then that can start to clarify what else is happening. Angry, why? What's happening? Then you might be able to recognize pain, fears.
I think there are fears as well, because of the breakup of the relationship. That comes from fear, the fear of waking up to this relationship and its consequences. So it might be a case of that preventing me from going deeper and dealing with anger and pain.
All of it. Anger, fear, pain, all of it.
It is complicated. And this has to do with seeing the truth of myself. It helps me.
Yes, because it takes you out of the illusions that you carry in order to not feel that.
It helps me to face this problem with more openness, I think. I'm more open to see what problems are hiding. But it's all phenomenon. This could be a struggle. I still feel like I'm doing it, even though I feel like I'm not really doing it.
I think at this point it's more important that you don't focus too much on what you're doing, what's being done, who is doing, whether there's anything doing. And not so much on strength or will. Just the honesty and transparency and the inner integrity to see what is actually happening. What do you really feel?
So at this point, it's not about seeing that there's no self?
I think at this point that could be an avoidance. It comes and goes. At another moment, that may be a good focus. But not if that's what you're doing as a habit in order to not feel what you feel.
Sometimes I feel so light that I don't feel any problem.
Yes, but you've shared very often that you could feel there's no problem, yet you don't feel very good, or things feel very dry or hollow. And so that's because you're using this as a form of avoidance to not feel what you're really feeling.
I agree with you. Thank you.
You're welcome. I hope it helps.