The Fear of Choosing
El miedo a elegir
A reflection on how the fear of commitment and responsibility can disguise itself as circumstantial limitation, trapping us in false impossibilities.
The Fear of Choosing
A reflection on how the fear of commitment and responsibility can disguise itself as circumstantial limitation, trapping us in false impossibilities.
There is a way in which the immediate want gets pushed aside. A distraction arises: because of this situation, because of age, because of this or that. "I cannot go for what I want." But nothing stops you from anything at the level of relationship. Nothing stops you from being a mother because of age. You could adopt. You could adopt a newborn. You could adopt the child of a partner. I am not saying that is what you should do. I am simply saying that all of these options are available, all possible. The idea that because of age something is not possible is a trap. But it is not a mind that is wicked or problematic trapping you. It is simply a natural fear response. Some people are more prone to different expressions of that fear response: fight, flight, or freeze.
Fear as the refusal to commit
Often, fear is really just about making a choice, making a movement, which can also be known as a commitment.
This reminds me of a time at my teacher's house. We were going to watch a movie, and he had a large library of DVDs with a wooden divider in the middle. He said, "Choose one, but only from the left side." I stood there looking at them all, going a little crazy trying to decide. He said, "Come on, choose one." And I replied, "I could choose one, but only from the right side." He started laughing and said, "Oh, that's your mind."
In that moment I realized I had created an entire mental problem. He was pressuring me, playfully, to choose. And I said, "Come on, you choose the movie." Then I could see the options I had, but he had created this situation where all the ones on the other side were off-limits. The truth was, I just did not want to commit. I did not want to make a choice and take responsibility for what I was choosing, only for it to turn out to be the wrong choice, a bad movie. His whole family was going to be watching with us, and it was my choice. So I engineered a situation where I could only choose from the ones he had told me I could not have. I essentially said, "You have put me in a situation where I cannot choose, so you choose." And he would not let me off the hook. He just said, "Oh, that's your mind. No, choose."
In that moment, the whole pattern became very clear, and I made a choice. I do not even remember what movie it was or how it went. All of that became secondary. What was clear was this: it was a false situation of "because of this context, I am trapped and I cannot move." In fact, I had loved that he gave me the option to choose. It was a beautiful offering, a beautiful gift. And I was terrified to be responsible for him and his whole family watching what I chose.
Learning through movement
That was just choosing a movie, and it was so intense, so challenging. Imagine how it goes with more important choices.
We only really clarify those places of being frozen by jumping in, making a choice, committing to it, risking it, going through what comes, and then learning. Was that me listening to a deep desire, or was it more fear-based? Only through that kind of leaping into movement can we learn and refine that knowing. Because only in the experience, once you move, does it become clear. You cannot clarify it in thought. In thought, there is never a tiebreaker. It is always going to be "this option, pros and cons; that option, pros and cons." It is that which is prior to thought that gives birth to the deeper desire. The less deep desire, the one that comes from thought, from the mind, is simply to avoid fear, to avoid pain, some form of that.