The Longing to Be Free and Safe
El anhelo de ser libre y estar a salvo
A question about an intense longing for spiritual shift, and the discovery that it is rooted in a deep need for safety, tangled with inherited religious conditioning.
The Longing to Be Free and Safe
A question about an intense longing for spiritual shift, and the discovery that it is rooted in a deep need for safety, tangled with inherited religious conditioning.
I've been feeling lately a really intense longing to shift. I know it's not always something that just happens to you; it's something you can develop over time, slowly ground into. But this longing: it feels very authentic and very pure. At the same time, I recognize the duality in it, because it's like wanting to be somewhere else. I am enjoying the ride. I am feeling the love and doing my best to stay grounded in this practice throughout the week. But the longing feels very pure, and then I wonder, because of the duality in it, does that make it my ego? What's going on here? How do I work with this energy?
You said "longing to shift." What do you mean by that? Can you say more about what the longing is for?
I guess to be my true self. To disidentify. To recognize that there's nothing to fear. To know myself.
The impossibility of attaining what you already are
You are already what you seek. You can't become your true self. You can't get there in time, tomorrow, or someplace else. That's simply an impossibility.
The longing seems to be rooted in a subtle belief, which I think is what you're pointing to when you call it a duality. You're aware that something is off. There's an assumption, a subtle belief, that you can get to what you're wanting in the dimension of space and time: tomorrow, next week. That is an absolute impossibility.
But that doesn't mean you throw out the baby with the bathwater. The energy of the longing just needs to be clarified.
You might have heard me talk about seeking. A lot of people say seeking is the problem: stop seeking. I agree with the usefulness of that to a degree, but I add a layer of complexity. If you feel the energy of seeking, wanting, longing, feed it. Feed it like a fire. Kindle it.
The problem is when we misunderstand what the seeking is for. If we have a tremendous desire, ambition, and drive in this seeking energy, that's great. Use it. At the most confused level, and this is not where you're at, I'm generalizing about humanity, the energy gets directed toward ruling a country, or toward the idea that everything will fall into place once we have a house, a family, children, a career. All our energy of ambition, desire, and longing gets placed into that locomotive.
As we get into this work, we start to see, "Well, it's not that. It's this other thing: spiritual awakening. And I'm going to get that tomorrow. I'm going to work toward that next year." In a sense, it's the same problem, though it's a better problem to have because you're closer to what it's actually about. But it's the same problem because we're imagining something in time. It's still a subtle buying into a conception of knowing what I'm looking for, when it's actually an imagination. You have an image of what it is to be your true self, and you're trying to get to it.
You already are what you are looking for. In absolute totality, there is nothing that can be acquired or gained. Attainment is impossible. I use the words "realization" and "recognition" instead. What you're looking for is here already, and you are already that. Any sense that you're going to find something in a different moment in time is entering illusion, delusion. It's entering the infinite wheel of time, which is going into thought.
So the longing sensation is still a form of ego?
Kindle the longing, but don't let it take you into time
Not necessarily. That's why I'm addressing the baby and the bathwater. Don't suppress the longing. Understand it. Kindle it. But when the longing becomes about the thing you know, the thing in time that you'll get to tomorrow, then it's misinterpreted, misguided.
That energy you could call longing, I could call seeking. Just notice where it's trying to take you, what you think it wants. Then bring in the understanding that it's here already. That's going to create a kind of tension, a friction, because you're going to be very tempted to decompress the longing into something in time. But if on one side you don't suppress the longing, and at the same time you don't let it take you into time, something is going to start building, like a pressure.
I definitely feel that when I tap into the longing, there's a feeling of wanting to get there, or perhaps even take a shortcut, even though I've put in the effort and the time. I guess there's a subtle resistance to whatever stage I'm at, or to the natural process that's occurring. Like, "Just give it to me, take me there." There's a hastiness, perhaps.
Exploring what the longing is really for
Let's do an exercise. Are you somewhat close to that sense of longing now? Is it at least coming and going?
Yeah, I can get there.
You said you long to be what you are, to recognize, to be your true self. If you were to describe it as something more concrete, some experience in life, what would the longing be longing for? It could be anything: traveling to a distant planet, flying like a bird.
Really, I think it's just to feel really good. I want to feel really good. It feels expansive, like a richness.
And the feeling of feeling really good that you're referencing is something you're able to describe, right? If I gave you five minutes to write the most beautiful description of it on paper, you'd be able to go all in. Why are you able to do that? How do you know this thing you're looking for?
Because it's an appearance.
And where is it appearing?
Within me.
So just let it appear now, even if you do what you could call imagination. Just imagine it now. Taste it now.
I do feel really good when I feel the longing, actually. In a way, I feel the potential there. But there's also a bit of resistance.
You might need a leap of faith. When I said "imagine that you could fly like a bird," part of us goes, "No, I can't do that, so I'm always going to be in a state of wanting, because I can't fly like a bird." But when the mind brings up "fly like a bird," we're referencing some kind of feeling that we're imagining. We're referencing something we know, something we've tasted, and we can actually taste it in the moment of imagining it.
What I'm trying to get you to see is that the feeling of feeling good you're longing for, you can only reference it now because you're feeling it now, even if it's a tiny taste of chocolate. The moment you reference it and start describing it, it's present.
The feeling, you're saying? That which the desire is longing for? So you're saying I can feel that in the moment when I recognize it. There's a bit of clarity around that.
It's a little tricky, and that's why I'm wondering if you could explore the experience right now. Maybe close your eyes. I'll close my eyes as well.
So there's this longing, and it's longing for feeling good. Let yourself imagine what you're longing for. Maybe put some words to it. What is it like?
"Safe" is the first word that comes. Clarity. Truth. Purity. It's more than just feeling good. It's like a transcendent version of feeling good that I've never experienced before, at least that's how the mind is imagining it.
The discovery of safety
And how do you imagine feeling once you know that, once it's happening? You said the word "safe." That's probably a very important one. What is this sense of ultimate safety?
It will give me the freedom to be myself.
So the experience of absence of safety is what's blocking you from being yourself. And if you had this safety, you could be yourself.
Yeah, like I wouldn't put as many limits. But I can feel in my everyday life, especially recently, I've been a lot more surrendered, a lot more trusting, taking risks and doing things I wouldn't normally do. The fear is leaving. But it's a process.
What if what you are is already safe? The feeling of not feeling safe is known by you. That's what you're experiencing. What is at risk? What is the danger?
I guess I have to face the potential danger to realize that I am safe.
And why is that a danger?
It's not a danger. It just feels like my mind isn't convinced yet.
The danger of realizing you're safe
But what you said is, in a sense, quite wise, because it's honest and it reveals an aspect of the mind: the danger of realizing you're safe. What if that has some truth? What could the danger be?
I think it surrounds the religious conditioning I grew up with. Hell, right and wrong, a lot of that as a child.
So the danger is that if you realize you're safe, you will do things because you're free to do them. And if you're wrong, there could be some form of consequence.
Yeah, it's like there's this part of me that still wants to believe my parents were right. And it feels unsafe that they were wrong.
The crossroad
You can open your eyes now. What you're describing is a moment of choice. When we receive handed-down belief systems, we have the choice to step into being our own authority. That requires a different level of responsibility, risk, and facing the unknown in a different way, because the belief system tells us: if you just function within these limits, everything's going to be okay.
Yes, this is what my mind is seeking. That's what feels safe to me.
You're at a crossroad. The crossroad is: I want to keep growing. I want to be more truly what I am. But I can't be more what I am and keep my parental and social hand-me-down system of thought. I can't have it both ways.
I've struggled with this for years. It feels like I'm being disloyal to my parents in a way.
That's part of the belief system. Part of it functions through guilt. You're at this crossroad where the experience of, as you said, "the danger of feeling safe," is real for you, because you're talking about a sense of safety that's no longer dependent on the rulebook. That's what I'm proposing to you. What if you already are safe? What if you can throw out the rulebook and you already are safe? Then the danger is whatever backlash comes from this belief system, because it's essentially saying, "No, you will only be safe if you function according to its rules."
So there is a danger in feeling safe without the conditions of the rulebook of religion. It is a crossroads, because you are free to choose. You are free to choose to remain within that system; you will still be free within that limitation. But there's an opportunity to be free without the limitation, to live with more responsibility, more risk, more experience, more wisdom.
Pay close attention to the experience of guilt. "Disloyal to my parents" is a complex expression for guilt. It's a true crossroads. It's not a small thing. And there's no rush. But if what I'm saying resonates, which I think it does, just know that this is where you are. That's the crossroad in this moment.
I do have the belief that I'm safe in some states. But I feel both beliefs are operating within me. I know I can choose, so I guess it's just making that choice each time I feel the lack of belief.
Possibility, not belief
What I'm proposing isn't a belief. It's the exploration of the possibility that you are truly safe. At first it could be something for you to discover, but it starts with a possibility: the possibility that you already are safe now. I don't want you to take up a belief that you are safe. It's the possibility, as a pointer for you to contemplate. What can happen is a discovery in your experience, a realization: "I am safe." It won't be a belief, but it can only be discovered after exploring the possibility. It won't work as an opposing belief to the belief that you're not safe.
That makes sense. So just exploring the possibility that I'm safe, which I am doing. I'm noticing things shifting, how I act and operate more as if I were already in safety. I can feel that, especially recently. But the longing, I guess, is...
Longing to be free and safe, which is what you are, is a very powerful thing and a very beautiful thing. I really want to protect that, and mostly just help, if I can, to clarify what the longing is truly about. I'm pretty certain it's not about tomorrow. It's about now. Tomorrow will never come, because it's always now. It's here now.
The God out there and the God within
I still recognize in me the conditioning that naturally prays to a God out there and gives gratitude to a God out there, and that's what feels safe. But when I realize I'm doing that, say in meditation, when I can be silent, I'm like, "No, the God is in here. Instead of praying out there, pray to your consciousness, pray to your being." And that feels unsafe.
That's a big step. It is, because it goes completely against the church. And I'm being explicit by calling it the church. That's the biggest problem with Christianity. Jesus was a beautiful expression of truth. If only it wasn't interpreted as "He's the only one, the only door, the only son of God, the only one allowed." Just change that, which is a 180-degree turn, to: it's an example for all of us. That potential is possible for all of us, which I know to be true.
But that's a huge challenge to two thousand years of the church. I know it's not a decision to take lightly. There's so much historical conditioning. It's a big change. I recommend it, but I also know it's up to you to decide, in your own time. The decision could be small baby steps in a direction. But what you just described is a huge shift: from "the God is out there and always will be, and always has to be, and I am always lesser, and I'm not allowed to..." to something much closer to your own self, more internal, here now.
That shift from the authority out there to something more subjective, more in your own consciousness, can go even further. You'll see this in Christianity itself. People who had that recognition later became saints, but had many problems with the church at the time. Afterward, the church appropriated them, saying, "Actually, that was a good thing." But that realization happened throughout Christianity. Meister Eckhart is an example, and Teresa. There are many.
It's interesting because I had an awakening out of Christianity about twelve or thirteen years ago and have been on this big journey to find the meaning of life. Something clicked and I realized it wasn't the truth, and I immediately stopped believing. But the remnants of that conditioning were still there. Intellectually I didn't believe, but the emotional ties were still binding me to it. I've been recognizing it a lot recently. I've been learning more about Jesus and what his true message was, and there's this real pull from my ego that wants to get the Bible out and talk to my parents and point out how they're mistaken, go through the contradictions, explain to them that this isn't the ultimate way of seeing reality and they're not actually following the true teachings of Jesus. Obviously I want to help them, but they're definitely not ready for that. I feel like that desire is the part of my ego that hasn't fully integrated the release of the religion, if that makes sense. That part wants to convince them.
The baby and the bathwater
That's going back into the weeds again. What you described a minute ago is really confusing, I can imagine, because it's not that it's all bad. What you're looking for is in the Bible, is in the words of Jesus. But there's also so much added on and misinterpreted. That's why I keep coming back to the baby and the bathwater. If you throw out Christianity entirely, something is going to be lost, because there is something real there. If you were brought up in that, denying it completely would be like cutting off your arm. It's not going to work, because you have most likely tasted something that is the truth, an expression of it, and it carries the symbology and flavor of Christianity. Someone brought up in Buddhism will have a similar problem. They say Buddhism isn't a religion; go to Thailand and tell me it's not a religion. People are on their knees praying to God-Buddha in front of these huge, incredible statues. It's the same problem.
I guess it's about getting more actively comfortable practicing that the God is not out there. I still like to say "Thank you, God" and express gratitude when something beautiful happens in my life.
Devotion after the recognition of nonduality
You could have the total, complete recognition of your true nature, the ending of the perception of God out there, and still express devotion as Rumi did. It's a style of devotion and poetry. When you see the untruth of duality, there's still a beauty in duality. When we suffer because we believe duality is the absolute truth of reality, that's the problem. But duality is the form in which all of this plays. You can play with the expression, knowing that it's just the appearance of what seems to be separation, but it's not truly there. You can write poetry to God and express the devotion. What I'm trying to say is that the recognition doesn't invalidate all of that. It doesn't go out the window. There are different forms, and thankfully, there are so many forms of expression.
Thank you. So just investigate the guilt, investigate the feeling of unsafety when I realize the bigger picture, that it comes down to me.
The bird with an open cage
You're like a bird in a cage with an open door who flies out, feels good, and then guilt says, "Go back to the cage. You're not safe here."
Thank you. I guess it's only by facing the unsafety, facing the fear.
Clarify the true nature of that sense of not being safe, because it has to do with beliefs around religion and your family, and with fears about what will happen to you. Some of those fears are valid in that you might have problems with family relationships, and those might bring up conflicts that will be painful. But the safety that we all look for is already here, and it's not dependent on anything.
The body isn't safe. The body has only one destiny, which is somewhere underground. That's a guaranteed destiny.
Or fire.
Or fire. The proposal here is that you can recognize and realize you're not the body, and that which you are is safe. But that should never be a belief. I really don't want anybody to go around creating a belief out of that, because then you don't discover it for yourself. What's important is to have the internal honesty, and in these circles, to say, "I don't feel it that way. I don't feel that I am at peace." And then we can address that.
Thank you.
Thank you.