The Wound You Bring to Every Relationship
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A question about distinguishing between legitimate relationship problems and unresolved childhood wounds that get projected onto a partner.
The Wound You Bring to Every Relationship
A question about distinguishing between legitimate relationship problems and unresolved childhood wounds that get projected onto a partner.
I think there is a scenario where you're with a partner who is invalidating and not empathetic, and that's not okay.
Yes, absolutely. That's why I'm pointing to the situation you brought up, the comparing, the "this and that." We could imagine: if only my partner stepped up a little more in this way or that way, then I would get what I need. But there is a hungry ghost in that longing, and it will never be satisfied. No human being will resolve it, because it is actually a projection of a wounding that is trying to be resolved through the relationship. It is a pain from having been hurt previously, a lack of something in early childhood rearing and parenting.
In a sense, yes, a conscious relationship will be a process through which that wound is healed. But it is not healed because that person gives you everything you need. So there is a balance. Is this relationship a healthy one?
Seeing the other's limitations versus seeing your own
Imagine your ex-partner was, let's suppose, a narcissist and a very difficult person, and it just didn't work out. It's valuable to see the limitations in the other. You could do some processing on how to be more at peace with the ending of that relationship, and you could understand what his limitations were and what he needed to work on. But the real question is: what were you bringing that you will keep bringing to every relationship until it is met?
I am in the camp that says some things can only truly get resolved in relationship.
What was so helpful for us was that we had this phenomenally gifted person doing couples work with us. Being able to tell the difference, "that's your unresolved stuff from childhood, that's yours," versus "that's actually a relationship issue," is really, really hard. If you're projecting onto your partner, by definition you don't know it.
Yes. So, a brief answer: you could work on understanding more of what was happening with him, and that could help you resolve something. But there is something that will only get resolved through working through it when you are activated and triggered with a person you are involved with.
All of this work on waking up is very powerful, but there are relational pains that often get resolved only through doing the work while in relationship.
The refusal to apologize
Now, somebody who has a full rationale and philosophy around "one should never apologize" is exhibiting something very problematic. It points to someone who is probably in deep shame. Any sort of apology would break them down into their own shame and guilt, so the refusal is basically an avoidance of the vulnerability required to feel it: to feel ashamed, to feel the pain of "I have hurt you, and I really didn't mean to, and I did it unconsciously but intentionally because I got triggered."
That is a really difficult thing. A lot of people simply cannot feel it, because they are completely drowning in that sensation. Their whole relational strategy is organized around how to avoid going there. So it is always going to be your problem, always going to be your ego that is demanding something.
Freedom and attunement
Someone who is free will be able to apologize, and at other times will say, "No, I don't think an apology is necessary right now." They will be attuned to reality. They will respond with an apology when it is appropriate, because they can see they made a mistake. And they will not respond with an apology when it is not appropriate, or they will push back on the request when there was nothing to apologize for.
The perfect match of wounds
The underlying challenge, from the gist of what you've shared, is that it likely requires feeling a very deep shame or guilt. Guilt is a very toxic emotion, just unbearable for some people. And the reason it is unbearable comes from how they were brought up.
Then there is the question of what was yours. Often it is a good match. The way you were in your challenges happened to be exactly what triggered him. When we fall in love, these are usually the things that click, until we have healed through them. Before that healing, what attracts us is not clarity but the match of conditioning. The attraction feels like: "This is the person from whom I didn't get the love I wanted when I needed it. Let me see if I can get it now." It is a projection, a transference of the early childhood wound.
When that is mutual, two people come together and you have the perfect thing to trigger the person who has the perfect thing to trigger you. It is a perfect match, because you will not satisfy each other either. The falling in love quickly turns into falling out of love and conflict. In that moment, you either commit to a process of consciousness, waking up, and healing together, or you separate, or you remain in a torturous relationship.